I've been lurking around here for about a week, reading as much as I can, and taking it all in. I signed up for a username yesterday, and was about to post, but I just didn't feel it. Today, I'm feeling it.
I've been married to my husband for 2 years. When we first got together, we decided an open relationship was best for us. Both of us are young, bisexual, and while we love each other completely, there are certain things we can't get from each other that we have gotten from others (I won't go into details, I'm not ready yet).
Then, we hit a skid early in our relationship (before we got married). Our "rules" for each other were to make sure a "date" was ok with the other one of us. As in "Hey, I want to go hang out with X tomorrow night, do we have plans?" We did that for 2 reasons. 1. In case the other one of us had made plans for us to do something, and 2. it felt a lot less like cheating when the other one knew what we were doing. It was exciting and brought us really close together. Then, one night, he showed up to pick me up from work (I worked in the photo center of a local superstore) with a HUGE hickey on his neck. He hadn't told me of any plans with anyone, so I was shocked to say the least. I hadn't given him that hickey, and he walked right into my work, smiling wide, and expected me to be ok with it.
Needless to say, I wasn't. I was actually hurt. I was hurt more that he'd let another woman mark his body in a way that OBVIOUSLY took some time (this was not a normal hickey. It was black. Solid black.) than that he didn't tell me he was going to go see someone else that day.
So, we took a break from that. We only played with other couples, and we only played together. That worked great. Until some things were said on both sides that were hurtful (water under the bridge, now). So, he gave up on looking for other couples. And suggested that we try partnering with other people we get along with, maybe bringing them into our dynamic. I was very ok with this, even if it didn't end up benefiting me in the end. He was being open, right? He was including me, and being honest with me.
Until I wanted to do the same. I had been ok with him going out a few times with a woman that he had met, and I had met a man that I simply wanted to go out for coffee with. He got jealous, so I dropped it, and told the man that it wouldn't work.
A few months later, he told me that he wanted to see me happy like we were at the beginning, and that he wanted me to find a playmate. So, I found one. And, everything was going great. We'd met up once in public, and hit it off great. I wanted to swing by for a little bit after work that night...and he hit the roof. He said, and still insists, that it was because I was driving his mother's truck and not our car, but it didn't seem like it at all. Especially when every time after that, my attempts at meeting my friend went unfulfilled. There was always some reason I couldn't go.
So, I sat down and talked to him. I told him that, maybe we needed to focus on just us. During that talk, it came out that he'd found a woman that was interested in both of us, and wanted to meet me. He insisted that he hadn't met her face-to-face (later found out that was a lie), and that if I was uncomfortable, I could halt it at any time. We went out to dinner at a bar near her house, and, while she was a nice person, I wasn't at all attracted to her. She was definitely the type of woman he fantasized about, but that's not my type. And, every time I tried to put the breaks on things subtly, I would be reminded how excited she was to meet me, and how excited they both were to make this happen.
Needless to say, I participated in literally the least-enjoyable threesome in the history of sex. Or, at least from my point of view. I got almost nothing out of it, while they were obviously glad to be there (seriously, how else to describe this in a PG manner?)
I let my husband know how I felt on the drive home. He apologized, but thanked me for doing it...and then wished me a happy Birthday. Yes, folks, this was my birthday present. *sigh*
I agreed to let him continue his relationship with her, because, frankly, I was over it by then. She wasn't really competition....she fulfilled his need to be with a much older woman. I obviously can't fill that position yet, so I didn't feel jealous. I just didn't want it rubbed in my face.
Well, life went on, he continued seeing her off and on, and I just continued with life. Then I found out that he was "staying late" at work in order to see her on nights that we'd set up to go out and do something for us. I got hurt, but I got MORE hurt hearing from her what he was saying about me. (Don't get me wrong. I'm all for a little venting of the spleen once in a while to friends who get the perspective. But, this hurt.)
I just simply asked that it end. I had nothing against her, wished her every happiness she could find, just I didn't want her in my life anymore. I thought that went well. Thought being the operative word.
I got pregnant. Right after I got pregnant, we ended up going down to Florida for 6 weeks for his job, so it was just the two of us down there. It was BLISS. We went out on dates, we went to the beach, we chilled in the pool, we went on picnics, we just took walks...it was amazing. You know, except for the morning sicknes.
I found out, at about 7 months, that he was seeing her again. I didn't think anything because he was working late BUT his checks were reflecting that. I felt I had no reason not to trust him. Looks like I did. Rather than coming to me and saying "Honey, because your gag reflex is at 10000% and you can't give oral, do you mind if I go somewhere else?" Because, frankly, as weird as my hormones were at that point (and they were all over the map), I was a-ok with him going elsewhere for gratification. (I'm a large woman. When you're large AND pregnant, sex is more awkward than fun.) I actually asked him if he wanted to. He told me over and over that he was ok. He wanted to prove himself.
He proved himself untrustworthy. Over and over and over.
Fast forward to last Monday (not this past, the one before it). I had had enough. It was our son's 1st birthday, and I spent the whole day playing with him, making it a fun day, even though the only memories he'll have of it will be the photos I took. Of the two of us. Going to the park, playing in the yard...My husband? He spent 1/2 of it at the shooting range with an old friend, and the other half sitting in a parking lot, talking to his new girlfriend. When he got home (10pm), I hit the roof. I was obviously livid. I probably got scary at certain points in the conversation. But, we talked everything out.
He was convinced that I didn't want to share him, period. I told him over and over of all the times I would share him with others, and he would trample on my trust. We had a good long talk about all of everything that had gone on.
In the end, I conceded again. Or, at least that's what it feels like. I've read posts of those of you who have come out to your significant others, and the things you did to make it ok for them....and I cry. Because it was the reverse in this case. *I* am the one trying hard to make sure he knows I'm ok with the arrangement. *I* am the one trying to be more romantic. Or, I was. As of this Monday, I can't handle it anymore. I am so numb. I can't find any way to make him realize how much he's hurt me. And, the idiot I am can't find it in me to hate him. He has hurt me so much, after all the times I have opened the door for him to have his fun because I *knew* he would return to me, after everything. I haven't been a saint. I've been downright evil sometimes. Yes, I did the evil thing a few times and went through his emails, IM's, and texts. Because I knew what to look for....when he's secretly found "someone" else, he first gets distant. Then, he just gets mean. (Not abusive, I NEED to stress this.)
But, right now, I'm sitting here. I've been reading posts in this forum all week, trying to wrap my head around why, trying to find comfort...trying to find a reason to trust my husband. And I just hurt more. Someone, please tell me that this gets better! Please tell me that it will eventually hurt less, and that we will have something like what those of you who are happy have! I've never personally been what I would consider Polyamorous. "Swinger", yes. "Married, with friends with benefits", yup. But, I've never loved any of my partners in a way that is even close to what I feel for my husband. My relationships with them, when I had them, were...well, friends. *sigh*
Anyway, this is my intro. Yes, I've been crying throughout. It's noon here, too early for wine, so I'm probably going to go take a nap with my son. Thank you all for reading and understanding, and even if you have to get in my face to tell me I'm wrong, please, PLEASE, I would love feedback.