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Old 05-25-2011, 11:59 AM
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stargazer23 stargazer23 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: South of the Mason-Dixon
Posts: 30
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Oh wow. Update since last time I visited here...

I actually did back off for a while and started focusing on two other men...as well as a couple of brief "makeout" flings that were just fun fluff.

The first man was also very passive with me and I came to find out he simply wasn't interested in me in any serious sense.

The second was (and still is) completely enamoured with me. He's sweet, extremely expressive and romantic and very bright. Two problems:
1. His life is sort of a mess right now and I am in no position (nor am I interested) to "rescue" him. I get the feeling he's looking to me to kick his ass, set him straight and motivate him. Not my style. I don't kick asses.

2. He says he understands my needs to have a completely open relationship but I'm sure he really can't deal with it. I see the edges of possessiveness in his personality and while he's willing to let me do whatever I need to if I'll just give him a chance, I can tell that the idea of me loving other men hurts him...or will.

The truth is: I keep coming back to the man for whom this thread was started because he makes the most sense to me. We laugh constantly when we're together. He influences me in positive ways, we are each others' cheerleaders. I feel safe, sane, happy, likable and wanted with him. We have discussions that range from the profound to the inane--all of them riveting. I feel like I get through to him too--like it's not all me being affected/inspired. He just feels right in a very healthy, cerebral way and I don't want to miss out because I pushed him away out of some lame fear silliness.

We have many of the same political beliefs and he is also a self-identified polyamorous...though recent chats have revealed that his ideal lifestyle is different than mine: He wants plural marriage/relationship with all parties being equal. I crave having a primary relationship that's solid with the liberty to love others interchangeably, but keeping the primary as the priority focus/best friend/teammate/cohort.

We recently spent some time together and after a related-but-still-casual/hypothetical discussion wherein he mentioned that he's willing to compromise, I finally felt comfortable asking for more. I tripped over my words a lot but I managed to spit the main idea out. He says he needs time to think about my request/proposal and I believe him. I believe he won't keep me hanging, but will get back to me when he feels ready.

Our time together lately feels more intimate and connected than ever so I'm not terribly worried. I am starting to melt out of some of my armor.

I have a feeling this will be discussed this weekend when I see him again. I'm ready and willing to respect and accept whatever he concludes...even if it's not in my favor.
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"Although the most acute judges of the witches and even the witches themselves, were convinced of the guilt of witchery, the guilt nevertheless was non-existent. It is thus with all guilt."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

How can you claim to love someone with all your heart if you can't stand to let them love with all of theirs?
-me
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