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Old 05-24-2011, 02:41 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Feedhercandy View Post
It's hard enough to manage my husband's feelings and my feelings without having to do serious management on his. I understand that when you care for someone, you need to care for them - all parts of them. I just wasn't expecting this to be an issue and it has sort of blind sided me.
I would look very seriously on this if I were you as this may be what makes or breaks your relationship with him. Yes, I think you do need to "manage" (I don't like that word as it isn't for you to "manage" I don't think... you don't have control over anyone but yourself... but whatever, you used it, so I am too) their feelings.

I my opinion, you need to be able to handle all that having a mono partner entails in terms of the emotional support they need if you find yourself in a relationship with someone that is mono. Partners, and ESPECIALLY monogamous ones are not anything less than your husband. They are equal and deserve the respect of their concerns being addressed as much your husband.

I say ESPECIALLY monogamous ones for two reasons; firstly because they rely entirely on you for their needs to be met, they often don't have another person that they share with the way they do with you... you are it. That needs to be understood and respected... cherished and accepted. This means making sure that you can accomplish this without their feeling abandoned and left out.

The other reason is because they are the ones that us poly people have to compromise with most... at least most of the time... we don't get to have a nice cosy little boundary that determines what is okay and what isn't. Most of the time, sex and intimacy with another is not.

Most monogamous partners don't get and don't have to get, that we love more than one. They love us and that is that....that is enough for them and they don't get why we would need more. Why should they put up with what we insist on. They don't have to and we have to decide if we are willing to stay in it with them or not.

Their idea of relationships is entirely different in terms of what is okay and what isn't in mono/poly relationships. Sometimes that means huge sacrifices in what you want to do and who you want to be with because the boundary just doesn't exist for them. The answer is often just, no, as I said. No you will not be able to have other loves and that is that,,,, no discussion will likely change that. Sometimes that changes or a boundary is created, but I don't know any mono's who's love is not affected deeply in terms of connection and bond.

Sure, you could be less bonded. Do whatever and hope for the best. Keep fighting him on this and pushing... perhaps you will get somewhere. I haven't. But you might... or you might lose him... what are you willing to deal with? How much are you willing to let go of? Are you willing to commit to them and see what happens when you do? What do you expect him to bring to your life? Is it worth letting go of the possibility of having other loves or not? It's a really hard choice and I can empathize greatly...

Sorry that you are surprised... believe me, I totally get your frustration, but now that you know what you are working with, I would think that you have some really hard to decisions to make and actions to take as a result... the emotional rollercoaster on this one could be a long and difficult one. Good luck! I hope my experience in this can be helpful to you.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-24-2011 at 02:45 AM.
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