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Old 05-23-2011, 09:38 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
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So I might have changed my mind about my anxiety.

Hubs hung out with the new girl, and she stayed the night. I was fine the whole evening, got to SF to meet with my daughter, went to bed, all good. I woke up and hadn't heard from him, and then it was many hours until she ended up leaving (they talked a lot). In those few hours my doing wonderful with things fell to crap.

I won't go into the details, because it doesn't really matter, but what I came out of this weekend with was that my anxiety is worse than I thought, and I think that by removing my main coping mechanism--alcohol-- I have been left with no tools and am now feeling the full force blunt trauma of it.

There was nothing he did wrong, or she did... nothing out of the ordinary. Basically, my brain started sweeping into bad places on it's own-- to loss and trust issues and all kinds of crap from my past-- and I couldn't really contain it. I had a talk with hubs and it was messy because instead of being able to sort through my feelings and get through the bottom line of what was going on, figuring out what I needed and conveying that-- I just had a vomitous mass of insecure need coming out. Left us both with a bad feeling about things, though it's sorted out now and I think all is well.

What it came down to was that after she left I really really REALLY needed to be able to talk to him in person on the phone (as opposed to text) and get some sort of rebonding going on. Not a big deal and nothing he was opposed to. The mess I had to sort through to get there was dangerous dark waters, though, and I wish I had been able to do that first before dropping it on him.

I see my counselor today and I'm SERIOUSLY considering asking to get some sort of anti-anxiety med to have for an as needed thing, which might be a couple of times a month, really. Just for a while until I can get some better tools to deal with the anxiety and work on it, and sort through where all of this mess of my past is coming in when I am most vulnerable. I used to just have a bottle of wine during these times and it helped, though it's a depressant so sometimes there was backlash from that, AND I don't want to drink for that reason. But I realize taking away that coping mechanism and not replacing it with something left me really vulnerable and I didn't handle it well.

I think we're back on track today, though, so that's a good thing.

On another note, I am going to meet up with possible new guy next weekend, just to talk and see if there's any chemistry there. It would be nice to have my own distraction in life, for sure. And another thing I discovered with all of the HOURS AND HOURS of driving time when I had nothing to do but think-- was that me not having other people in my life for whatever reason, wasn't really a good idea. I think it put way too large of an imbalance on our relationship, and while he's had other things to focus on, I really have placed all of my happiness and pleasure focus on him. Which is not a good idea anyway, but also created an atmosphere where him being with someone else was taking away from MY pleasure because I didn't have it balanced out. (Mentally, anyway...) So I think having someone of my own to hang out with will be a benefit to our relationship in many ways.

I'm not forcing anything though... if it doesn't work out with this guy, I'll just keep looking. It's nice to have the possibility though!
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