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Old 05-23-2011, 03:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
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Hi there, I love your username -

I am just beginning (barely over a week now) a new relationship with Burnsy, who is married and lives about two hours from me. He and I were talking about rules and boundaries yesterday, and he let me know that he and his wife do have the freedom to pursue casual liaisons outside of any committed relationships they have. He said to me, "I would assume, and hope, that you would too." I responded, "Oh, sure, sure," but when I thought about him pursuing other women in his hometown, I noticed a little jealousy rise up in me, even though a.) it makes sense since we're long-distance, b.) I am pursuing other relationships, too, and c.) I'm not jealous of his wife.

My theory is -- and I think this might apply even after I would be seeing him for a while -- that I'm not jealous of his wife because she is established and a part of who he is, so to speak. You know, she's part of the package at this point in time when I have met him, so all I have to worry about is my contribution to establishing a good relationship between him and me. However, until I am completely secure with my place in his life (and being NEW, I am not secure), anyone who comes after me is seen somewhat as competition who could replace me.

But I look at the feeling when it comes up and try to see it more objectively. It's about fear of loss for me. Therefore, it is not Burnsy's responsibility to reassure me or try and make me feel better. My jealousy sits on top of other, deeper feelings that are part of my baggage, as I explained here: jealousy over an ex. And I alone am responsible for my baggage.

So, as I see it, your guy needs to so some more self-examination to see what's at the bottom of his jealousy, and to find the best way to deal with it himself, without putting burden on you. It would be different if you had a "no other guys" agreement -- then you would have to re-negotiate. But right now, aside from your having compassion, of course, for what he's going through, it's all on him to handle his own shit.

I do find it interesting that, in your first paragraph, you state that the two of you have become quite "attached." The notion of attachment is related to possessiveness, wanting things to stay the same, and the idea that change is a threat, because it could erode or take away that connection. Just some food for thought.

I hope this is helpful in some way.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-23-2011 at 05:33 AM.
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