Thread: Hello...
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Old 05-21-2011, 11:22 AM
Lily Lily is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 10
Default Hello...

Hi everyone, I'm glad to find this friendly forum and hope to benefit from the wisdom of those who've already explored the thoughts I'm currently having...

I'd never heard of poly until my therapist asked one day if my fantasy was a polyamorous relationship..... and as soon as she explained what that was, a light bulb was turned on....

Yes, that's what I want! The only problem is, I'm not sure the two men in my life would accept it.... hence I'm here looking around, reading about other's experiences, hoping to pick up some advice and trying to work this idea out....

About me, I'm 41 (can't quite believe that!), female, have been with my partner (not married on paper but consider it a marriage) since I was a teenager. We work very closely together, have done for years, which means we live in each other's pockets and have no children, unfortunately.

10 months ago I met and fell in love with G, a much younger man.... yes, I cheated. Long story but T developed crippling anxiety, which ended up dominating our relationship and which deprived me of a sex life for 15 mid-life crisis hit, something in me snapped, and for the first time in years I thought, "what about me and my happiness?"..... I went looking. I'm not proud of it - communicating openly with T would obviously have been the better course of action, but well, I'm human, and have had deep problems communicating my needs. I'm working on that...

I realised quickly that G was much, much more than a fling. Among other things, he was a catalyst for change. A few months ago I told T. So now here I am, living in a rented flat but still seeing T every day for work. I won't bore you with all the shenanigans but my situation is this: I love T, don't want to leave him, still work with him and cannot imagine my life without him. On my side, after 15 years of almost no sex life with him, I no longer think of him that way, but I still want to hold him, hug him, kiss him, and be "with" him. I'm open to the idea that one day, some day, we could be intimate again, but right now I can't conceive of it. He desperately wants me back. I've been by his side for 23 years and this break has been like cutting a limb off for him. (While I'm enjoying my space and independence...)

I also love G. Our sexual chemistry is unbelievable... sigh.... I've never experienced anything like it. But it's more than just sex. There's also a strong bond of friendship and understanding... sense of humour.... fun... respect.... space.... everything you'd want in a relationship.

And yet..... my bond with T prevents me from cutting those ties. Every day when I meet T for work, I think... I do still love him, deeply........ and every time I meet G, I think...... but I love you too.......

Many people would probably say what some of my friends have said.... well, you'll have to make your mind up... you can't have your cake and eat it.... just make a decision, one way or the other!

But ever since I discovered poly as an option, I can't stop thinking about it as an alternative way forward..... maybe I'm deluded, as I'm beginning from a situation with T that was not open, honest and communicative but filled with resentment, hurt and anxiety. T is very vulnerable. G has already told me he couldn't stomach the idea of open relationships - although he's also told me that he expects and wants T to always be part of my life.

So.............. I'm wondering if, from this less than healthy starting point, I could find a way to love and care for both these men, in a way that fulfills them, too?

Not expecting to find answers here, but hope to maybe pick up some nuggets of wisdom along the way!
The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
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