Why am I crying all the time?
I am having a great deal of issues with my new lifestyle. I'm not exactly sure where to begin, or how or what to explain, but I will do my best, because I really need some help, and I don't know where else to turn. So here goes.
K was my only real gay relationship; I was 17, she 21. We broke up for practical reasons, but still remained just as close (if not closer). We have since (for the last 7 years) been best friends, and have a rather cosmic emotional bond.
One of my closest male friends, N, had a sexual relationship with K for many years, and though he loved her, she would never give him anything more than sex. Two years ago, he decided his pursuit of her was futile, and that I was a much better match for him. He and I have been together ever since.
About a month or so ago, K moved in with me (N lives on his own). Although she tried to come on to me one drunken night, we hadn't been at all sexual since N and I had been together. The first couple of weeks were fun, with she and I doing best friend types of things, and N coming over occasionally and hanging out. Although K had some mixed feelings about her past relations with N, she constantly assured me how much she loved the fact that he and I were now together, and that she liked him more, loved him even, now that he was with me. When I noticed them becoming more comfortable around one another, I suggested they have sex together. They did. And they did, and they did.
My initial reaction to their actually going through with it was surprise. And also relief, because I at this point in my life I have a pretty low libido, and feel I cannot satisfy my boyfriend's needs all the time. I wasn't worried about it getting out of hand because I knew neither of them would want to hurt me. I also discovered that the idea of them together really turned me on. Soon we were all three having sex together. However, they continued to have sex by themselves quite often. My libido went up, but my boyfriend (who suffers from coital headaches) was unable to have sex with me due to constantly doing it with her.
In addition, N has always told me how he and K have this cosmic sexual chemistry. He tells me now that their sex lasts for hours, and she asks him to do very intimate things. She also told him that she wanted to marry him and have his children. When I found this out I was incredibly hurt, because I didn't think their relationship was much more than physical.
My problem here is not simply jealousy. It is also the fact that he and she have a much more physical relationship than I have ever had with anyone, and apparently the sex is incredibly emotional and meaningful. Not to mention pleasurable. I myself have never been able to have an orgasm, and that is why I have usually put sex on the back burner. But hearing about and seeing them together makes me feel so incredibly left out, because I cannot experience what they are feeling. When I bring it up, they both sort of act like there is nothing they can do. However I feel that if they did to me the things they do to one another, I might be able to.
It may seem like there is nothing good about this relationship, but that is untrue. I have a mental connection as well as a history with N that he and K do not have. K and I have the intense emotional bond. K says she can only love N if I am a part of it. And we have a great time when the three of us are together. It feels very family-like and happy. But I find myself getting so easily offended, and not wanting to leave them alone together. I know both of them want this to last, and I do too. But I wonder how, amidst all this love, that I can feel so unloved.
Please forgive me for writing so much here, but as you all know, these relationships can be quite complicated, and I just wanted to make everything clear if I want any real advice, which I do. So much.