WARNING: Raw, Unedited Emotions
I am angry and sad and lonely and hurt and I can't fucking stand it.
Even now, having given myself permission to just let it all out, to purge my soul and hopefully my mind, I find myself unable to let it flow. There's a blockage that physically hurts.
I wrote this 6 months ago:
I sit on the edge of the bed
Pain swirling all around me
You tell me to breathe, just breathe and let it go
I am in a maelstrom of pain, no matter which way I walk or what direction I take, the pain is there buffeting against me, tightening further and further on my skin and body and heart.
Breathe, you say. Tell me what's wrong.
Tears dripping down my face, snot running from my nose, my breath hitches and sobs tear from my body as I gasp and force from my lungs that I am in pain. That I hurt and no matter how much I try to wrench my soul away from the shattering pain, it finds me again and again and again in your actions... and I cannot heal, I cannot breathe, I cannot escape that which is breaking me.
I will not make you choose. I will continue to ask for more time, more space and hope that this time, this time, oh my god please this time, we will get it, because I am drowning in pain.
Let me protect you, you say. Let me make it better. I will fix it, I will make the pain go away.
And so I look up at you, trusting that this time, this time the pain will stop. If not stop, will lessen, ease up, that the tightening on my heart will relax enough to breathe again.
And then it gets worse.
Heart breaking, soul shattering pain as you throw words like arrows that pierce my heart, rendering me unable to breathe, wishing to to back in time to the maelstrom of pain that was so much more bearable than this. And I break into nothingness. I can see myself shattered all around me and all there is is white hot, searing cold numbing pain. Everything I am, every pore, every cell, every nerve is both burning and frozen and unable to do anything but react to the pain.
I force myself one final time to reach out, to attempt a walk to where the pain will let me breathe and again trust you even as you are shattering me.
And you hear me. For one brief, glorious moment, you hear me, and our world tilts back into place and I see that I can trust you, that the pain will heal, that together we can rebuild that which is broken and heal the shattered pieces of our lives.
And I have hope. I have the hope that we will finally be given the time we need to heal, that the wounds won't be broken open over and over and over and over by the sound of a bicycle bell.
I am wrong so far, but I still hope. I hope because you are here with me.
There is a part of you that is not accessible to me. Never before have we not shared everything, but this is a neccessary seperation that I am willing to endure, despite the pain it causes. I must endure it, for only in the separation can you heal from your maelstrom of pain, can you build back from your soul shattering, nerve searing, brokenness.
So I hope, that we will heal.
You are my Love. I am Yours. Together.
And that was one of the last truly authentic verbalizations of my feelings.
I will post my experiences with poly after... I'm hoping that by starting with that intensely painful feeling process, that I will start to crack the walls of emotion... so that I can deal with them in a more ... I want to say "controlled" manner, but more so that they don't attack me when I'm least expecting it. So that I don't walk into my office in tears because I've driven past a certain bridge and had a conversation replay in my head and I'm hurting all over again.