So it's been left to me to juggle my emotions with finding a way to get us all on the same page, to set up rules and boundaries that are reasonable for everyone.
This while I deal with some old PTSD issues that have reared their head again.
This while I have to tell them again and again honesty is required and it will be hard and.
And they insist they only were kissing and hugging the other woman they cheated on me with because she seemed nervous when she came to visit a few weeks ago and they thought I was fine with it since I had said "oh I'm fine with her visiting." (Guess that also was supposed to mean kissing and hugging and snuggling was also okay...because to them that was just being flirty....)
This, knowing the first person the male in my life defended was the woman he played with that night... and his own reluctance to tell her he didn't feel like playing. Because it might hurt her feelings.
Because she's a good woman.
Because she's been through a lot; a few boyfriends that didn't treat her as well as they should have.
Meanwhile, in my past life, I've been robbed, raped, beaten, cheated on, stalked...isn't that a little difficult too? And they know this, this couple in my life.
And yet he says "we'll rebuild your trust in us it just takes time." How much time. How much time do I owe them. How much do I owe them when they have fought me on so many things, even on the semantics between "swinging" and "sexy fun between friends" so they didn't believe it was necessary to tell me what was going on.
What do I owe them when I of all people am not only the most damaged of the 3 of us but they benefit most from me forcing them to see their shortcomings and I am still wrestling with feelings of rage and betrayal.
And yet they say, that couple, they love me they don't want me to go, they want to work it out. They tell me they don't want the other person, they want me.
So I wonder and I ask, because I do know I am emotional right now:
1.) what good would telling the other woman that her lover of the evening didn't want to play? It would probably hurt her feelings.
As far as she knows, she forgave me for overreacting and bringing what she said was "negativity to a beautiful experience between everyone involved that night."
For me, it wasn't beautiful. It was pain, hurtful, exclusionary, and the couple in my life even admitted they sort of knew what they did would tick me off, but "oh well she'll get over it."
How spiteful am I to think I want that woman to know her advances weren't welcome that night.
What kind of person am I to think that sort of thing, even if I don't voice it?
I recognize I am all over the place.
I want to try to to heal this... I don't dare try to work on this seriously when my state of mind is all over and flailing.
Last edited by Eloise; 05-19-2011 at 06:56 PM.
Reason: I need to learn how to write all over again