Thank you all so much for your advice and council, it is really reassuring to know that there are people who have been through just what I have.
We have been away on a trip away (one of the best trips of my life) and even though her husband was fine with us going he didn't want to know about anything that happened, even where we had dinner. One of his main problems is that he's not really all that cool with the fact that I'm an ex, he knows we've had a history and I think it makes him insecure. From what I know of him he's a nice guy and I love that he makes my girl happy, but he continues to resist chances where he and I might meet and establish common ground. I don't begrudge him for that I guess it would be hard to know your partner sought out an ex to help solve you marriage problems or adjust the marriage so it fits better with what both people want.
I don't just want sexual time with her ( although the sex we have is fantastic) I want to spend more time just being with her , without taking away from her time with her husband. As I said I know that she loves him and he makes her happy. Conventional relationships have never really worked for either of us and I know the she needs this as much as I do. I have offered to take her, hubby and hubby's girlfriend all out to dinner so we can have some time to get to know each other, but her refuses.
Poly is for me, I have never thought that one single person could be the be all and end all of a person's whole life and I have always been adventurous but I am drawn to her and I love her so much.
Our rhythm has been settled around her husbands reactions, its fine for him to spend as much time as he can with his GF but when it comes to our time, he restricts it. We can't even go to the movies at full peak times because he's worried some one might see us together.
I know that because we're new to this it takes time, but I don't want to be a wedge in their relationship, something that they can't deal with, but I don't want to give her up either