Originally Posted by redpepper
This woman is not talking about her issues and she's bossing you around. I simply would risk everything and stand up to her in a compassionate way and tell her everything whether she likes it or not. What is she going to do? She can't tell you both not to see each other,
Yes, she can.
... but if she is treated with respect and dignity and compassion she might just see that she is still loved, still considered and still had her partner...and come to the realization that she can't expect you not to see him. We all had to go through this stuff (well most) and so should she if she wants to have more partners in her life also. Even if she doesn't, if she wants to hold her marriage together, then dictating what her partner does is not going to have that result I don't think.
They have created a situation where you are now cheating with him. Did you want to be a cheater or poly... that is the question. DADT with rules on top that dictate and adding when someone can see another, is not balanced and not sustainable I don't think. It usually leads to cheating and more pain... the pain of facing what is really happening is far easier than the pain of cheating. I think she needs to know that... and you can tell her that.
Tell her you love her man, want to be able to see him once a week and that its bigger than sex. It's a relationship and you are no longer seeing it as an "open relationship" but would like something poly. If she is unable to take it and he backs out of being responsible and doesn't look after his needs or yours because he is wimping out, do you really want to be with him? Is that what you think makes for a good relationship and a good match for you? Ask for what you need and don't settle for anything less. It's possible I think if there is love, compassion and patience (while you wait for her to sort herself out) in the asking.
I went through almost this exact scenario with a so-called polyamorous MF married couple. This attractive bisexual guy had an ok cupid profile up, he was looking for men or women, looking for a relationship, not just sex. Soon after he contacted me and we'd been chatting online for a while, he told me he and his wife weren't seeing eye to eye on many things and he was seriously considering divorce.
So, I met with him and we had sex. We also had good talks, shared food, walked in nature... it was lovely. We had a lot in common.
Soon after this he and his wife seemed to work out some of their issues and had decided to stay together. He hadn't told her about me yet. I kept encouraging him to do so, and he finally did.
Of course, she hit the roof, because he'd basically cheated on her.
We took a break over the winter and then he contacted me again in the spring and we IMed for a couple months. In the summer I went to their place and spent the day with them at their house. We also went swimming together. Nice day.
But soon after that the word came down. She didn't want him and me to continue, she was threatened by the feelings we had for each other, and the only thing he was allowed to do was have sex-only hookups with men, just to satisfy his desire for cock. Just one night stand, Craigslist types of things.
Originally Posted by LuvXX
Thanks for your advice. I think I'm going to refrain from "risking everything" and standing up to her since I've never even met her yet. :-P They opened their marriage way before my husband and I did, but we've moved a lot faster and they, I think at this point (or rather, SHE), are just taking it much slower than we are. It's just frustrating when people involved are moving at a slower pace, but I think I just need to be more patient - which I have a hard time doing.
This woman isn't poly. She wants him to just have sport-sex-only infrequent hookups. I don't see much future with them for you until he and his wife do a lot of soul searching and clear communication around jealousy.