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Old 05-17-2011, 06:09 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by LuvXX View Post
So some time passed, he met me, wife knew he was meeting me but wanted no other info so she does not know how close we have become. He told her he was meeting me again in a month and she said "No - monthly? That's a relationship!" Sigh. He doesn't dare to tell her "Well, yes, actually it is." He tip-toes around her, afraid of what to say because she says she doesn't want to know... yet she DOES. But not really. lol Yeah, I'm confused too. :-P She only wants him to see me now every few months and that's not enough for either one of us! He's afraid she will tell him not to see me at all if he tells her we actually feel like we're falling in love. She opened up their marriage yet doesn't want to know or talk about anything and wants to make up rules as they go along, which is fine I guess - hubby and I are making up rules as we go along too because we didn't know what would transpire when we started this. Basically, we have rules disappearing though, while bf and wife have rules being ADDED or changed to make things more difficult. :-P So I wonder what the "experts'" takes are on this. I wish he could sit down with his wife and actually research polyamory with her but the way it looks is she is okay with him screwing around, as long as it's just sex and as long as it's only every few months if it's the same person. :-P But we are way beyond just sex. And he's already snuck in another day with me two weeks after our first time and we're planning another in a couple more weeks. We're only approved for another "session" together in August. It's really frustrating for the both of us.
Fist off, for me "rules" don't work. They are hard and fast and there is no where to move except to make more. I go by boundaries... they are fluid and involve more of a notion of feelings and how one "sits" in a situation rather than "you can't do that and you can't do this."

This woman is not talking about her issues and she's bossing you around. I simply would risk everything and stand up to her in a compassionate way and tell her everything whether she likes it or not. What is she going to do? She can't tell you both not to see each other, but if she is treated with respect and dignity and compassion she might just see that she is still loved, still considered and still had her partner...and come to the realization that she can't expect you not to see him. We all had to go through this stuff (well most) and so should she if she wants to have more partners in her life also. Even if she doesn't, if she wants to hold her marriage together, then dictating what her partner does is not going to have that result I don't think.

They have created a situation where you are now cheating with him. Did you want to be a cheater or poly... that is the question. DADT with rules on top that dictate and adding when someone can see another, is not balanced and not sustainable I don't think. It usually leads to cheating and more pain... the pain of facing what is really happening is far easier than the pain of cheating. I think she needs to know that... and you can tell her that.

Tell her you love her man, want to be able to see him once a week and that its bigger than sex. It's a relationship and you are no longer seeing it as an "open relationship" but would like something poly. If she is unable to take it and he backs out of being responsible and doesn't look after his needs or yours because he is wimping out, do you really want to be with him? Is that what you think makes for a good relationship and a good match for you? Ask for what you need and don't settle for anything less. It's possible I think if there is love, compassion and patience (while you wait for her to sort herself out) in the asking.
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