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Old 05-17-2011, 02:19 AM
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sinew sinew is offline
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The perspectives are much appreciated!

nycindie, my heart goes out to you for what you're going through. I've read your advice in other threads, and wish I had more to give back. I can at least say that what I found about divorce was that once it was over (mine took almost an excruciating year), it was an enormous weight lifted, and very quickly I found that I looked back on my married years as if they were some other person's life. I could take the lessons (I hope I did, at least) and leave all the entanglement.

redpepper, I see what you mean about "as individuals together", and I know that's something I could use more practice with. Independence can turn into just solitude if I'm not careful.

Derbylicious, your mention of realizing that you only want to be with people who want to be with you strikes a particular chord for me. I've heard that several times now in studying how poly can work, and it never fails to give me a jolt. It makes so much sense, yet it runs opposite to so many things I believed relationships meant to me. Stability, protection, commitment - I believed they came from being in a good relationship, but it's the opposite, isn't it? I love this article by Susan Piver.

She writes:
I didnít really understand that love does not arise, abide, or dissolve in connection with any particular feeling. It has almost nothing to do with feeling. (Nor does it seem to be a gesture, a commitment to stay, becoming best friends, or anything else I might have thought.) Love has become a container in which we live. Through time and riding mysterious waves of passion, aggression, and ignorance (and boredom), I think we began to live within love itself. At least I did. Each time I opened up, extended myself, accepted what was being offered to me, stepped beyond my comfort zone to embrace him, the structure was reinforced.

At the same time, the structure becomes weaker with complacency (among other things), and independence is a stand against that insidious kind of corrosion.
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