Hi all, my name is Marz
I am new to this forum and to polyamory in general. I had a revelation about myself regarding polyamory a few days ago. This is my story thus far:
I have been with my boyfriend (J) for three years. We live together and pretty much do everything together. We are both bisexual and pretty open out our sexuality. Our relationship is monogamous, but I would like to make the switch to poly because I believe our relationship is in jeopardy if we don't. I am very happy with J but I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to be in a monogamous relationship. It is extremely hard for me to admit this, as I have never told anyone, but I have a huge cheating problem. I have cheated on J multiple times throughout our relationship, (J is aware of some of the instances and we have worked through it) and I could never quite figure out the root of my cheating problem until after some serious soul searching. I feel like I have too much love to give and not enough lovers to share it with. (I think it's going to be really difficult to articulate this to J without having him assume that he doesn't satisfy me or make me happy and that's the last thing I want.)
To complicate things, just recently a mutual friend of ours (M) ended a fling with me because he felt wrong for having a relationship with me behind J's back. During the time we were spending together intimately M and I started to have strong feelings for each other. We are both intensely attracted to each other now despite him breaking up the affair and it is very hard for me to view M as just a friend. I would love to be poly with both J and M but I have not brought the subject of poly up to J and I doubt I can talk about poly and M in the same conversation without J making a connection leading back to the cheating. I realize this is a bit of a clusterf**ck and a lot of this could have EASILY been avoided. (A lot of my story was mentioned in a thread I posted in New To Polamory)
At first I felt ashamed admitting that I'm poly because I thought many people would consider it taboo. I mentioned the idea of poly to a close friend of mine today and was surprised at how supportive he was. He also said he knew a ton of poly people my age, which blew my mind. I didn't realize just how widely accepted an idea polyamory was today, and it gave me hope for my relationship. I don't know how J would feel about it but I am planning on bringing up the subject to him this week.
That's basically where I am now. My transition to poly is just beginning and I'm already encountering problems. *sigh* Such is life.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask! (note: please refrain from berating comments about cheating, I know the harm it can cause and the problems, emotional pain, etc.)