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Old 05-14-2011, 08:36 PM
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ray ray is offline
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Thanks for the reminder BU, there are a lot of good things. But sometimes, that pain is just really present and all those other things can't make it go away. I am trying to not repress my grief and let it out when it needs to. Sometimes, it does feel a bit overwhelming and I can start to feel like it's this big black hole that's sucking me in and is never going to let me out.

OK, so my updates as of late have been rambly and confusing. So I shall detangle.

I recently joined the kink scene where I am making new friends and am having TONS of fun. Two important figures, as of this time, previous known as Thing 1 and Thing 2, shall now be known as Nurse and Sinclair.

Nurse, is, well, a nurse. And we've started to play a bit together. He is just coming out of a rather serious relationship himself and has a lot going on dealing with all of that. I've really enjoyed spending time with him and we have a lot of fun/snuggling. He's 32 and works a lot of hours right now, so time is limited. I feel like we've gotten fairly emotionally close a bit quickly and I've already spent the night a couple of time. But both of us are still dealing with a lot of shit so I don't think that either of us wants to really do a relationship relationship with anyone. But who knows... And I can't lie, I think I might really like him.

Sinclair works in IT or something... We've spent less time together than Nurse and I. The two of them have been friends for a good long time and both were interested in playing with me and I with them and decided to relax and share. Yay for sharing! I got a chance to play with Sinclair yesterday and it was really fun. We had a chance to just talk for awhile too and he's also just coming out of a relationship. And it genuinely does appear that all three of us are on the same page. In terms of where we are and what we're looking for, etc...

So, as of right now, my status with them is primarily play partners, not necessarily exclusive. But, like I said, who knows...

I'm doing a lot of really important work on myself right now and I think I want to get a bit farther on that before I jump into anything really serious. I want to believe and know that I'm an awesome person not because Nurse or O or anyone says so, but because I say so.

So this morning was my first Krav Maga class with O since February. I managed to make it through the class but it was tough. It's hard to see him but I think I'm ready to take this step. I forgot my phone at class so afterwards, my teacher brought it over to my house and we talked for a bit and I told her about the relationship. It felt so good just to be honest and besides, she'd already figured it out anyone. The world didn't end. For so long, I felt like I couldn't talk to her because O had told me that if she knew she would kick him out of training. I was so afraid for so long of slipping up and disappointing them both. But, in the end, it wasn't a big fucking deal. It's a huge relief to have her know. I feel so much more peace right now. I hated having to distance myself from her. And now I don't have to.

Ah, so many leaps and bounds these days. It feels like I'm making a lot of progress lately. Learning to take care of myself, care about myself, express and enforce my boundaries. I still have a long way to go but I really feel like I'm getting somewhere and I want that to keep happening.
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