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Old 05-14-2011, 04:17 AM
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ignonymus ignonymus is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 4

Thank you for your kind words, RP! I'm sorry it took me so long to reply! Between finals and a dead router I've not had much time on the internet lately!

I don't see why you would necessarily feel loving in this situation.


Being on top of your love and being what you "think" you should be is not necessary. Just be. Let whatever it is come. Leave it all be and relax into it. When you do this I would think that you will see how you feel and how your body reacts to the situation.
It's easy for me to forget that I am not obliged to feel a given way. My family is always asking me if I'm depressed like it's a threat to put me back on medicine, so I occasionally forget that it is healthy to be able to express unhappiness.

Here's a little update on where things are with me. A asked me out on a romantic date a few days ago and I declined, explaining to her that I am not poly by nature and am still trying to get used to my current relationship dynamic. She was apparently very hurt. I explained to her that I am not sure where I am in my relationship with W, and that I do not subscribe to the theory that a broken relationship can be fixed by adding more people. If A and I were to start dating, and things were to somehow be magically great between us, it doesn't change the fact that I am in a rocky relationship with W and have no interest in splitting my romantic affections between different people. If anything, dating A would mean breaking up with W for me.

She said that our current setup is just not how she envisions a polyamorous relationship. She believes that we should be in a triad, not a vee. I am not interested in trying to change my orientation to accommodate someone else. I am happy being monogamous, even if I am in a relationship with a partner who is not. W wants a triad as well, but has stated that he will support me no matter what I decide. He wants me to be a part of his life in whatever ways I will allow. I'm not sure if she is comfortable with me dating only him without dating her.

W and I have decided not to talk to her until she has calmed down a bit, but we both know that we all need to discuss what we want out of this relationship. If she's not able to deal with a vee formation, then I should probably step down as a primary co-partner and just become his FWB or just plain friend or something. They can focus on their relationship, search for a third, do whatever they need to do to feel secure, and I can just... whatever. I've been dealing with my feelings for W for going on five years now, knowing that we're probably not on the same page for the last three. If he's poly and she's poly, there will probably be a lot less heartache for those two if I take my mono self elsewhere. I've been in a near-constant state of heartache for a while now, so it won't change much for me.

He's really upset that I'm considering giving up on this relationship. He says he'll support me, but he feels I'm making a mistake. He says that I could have everything I ever wanted out of a monogamous relationship, but even more so with two people. I think he's missing the point that I don't have enough energy to deal with just him, let alone another person in a romantic sense. I think I might be able to handle having a relationship with him while nurturing his relationship with someone else and maintaining a friendship with a metamour, but I have no doubt that anything beyond friendship would drain me dry of energy.

Besides non-violent communication and "I language", is there anything I can do to make sure that when I do discuss things with A and W that I do not cause unnecessary hurt feelings? I am almost certain that if I discuss scaling back my relationship with W that A is going to feel like she caused it, which isn't entirely true. I don't want anyone to have to settle for something they truly do not want. I don't want her to settle for a vee out of feelings of guilt, and I don't want to try to date two people when I know it's not for me.
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