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Old 10-02-2009, 02:58 AM
violet violet is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Honestly? It sounds like to me you're trying to move the mountain to Mohammed here. I don't see the problem you're describing being solved by having Anne move in. What you're describing to me feels like an imbalance. Everything's fine as long as Violet gets to have you in bed each night. Anne doesn't get that choice and her needs are trumped by that fact. That fundamental imbalance will still exist even if the three of you share the same bed each night.

It sounds like you need to establish that relationship more, address that separation anxiety and truly come to a clear consensus about what all three of you view as your "equal" roles in the relationship. It's enough to try to establish how to live together...trying to do that *and* sort out how your relationship is going to be between the three of you seems like it could create unnecessary difficulty.

It's lovely that the time you spend together helps quell the insecure feelings, but you can't solve issues of insecurity by trying to prevent the situations that cause them. The actual insecurities need to be addressed, because they will always find new ways to surface. And there's always the chance that they could surface in much more harmful ways if you're all living together.
I REALLY hope I don't come across as a bitch here. I don't mean to at all. Just like we were talking in the other thread about you not being in the best mindset having just been burned, I'm not in the best one either. But, we can still have a mature discussion.

Addressing your first point - you aren't around to experience our dynamic, and the impression you're getting is just flat the wrong one. Anne and I have had this conversation between the two of us, and worked out the issue with my separation anxiety. She, right now, doesn't really feel as though she NEEDS HMA at night. And when she does, she and I talk and figure it out. The problems come when I don't get that communication, and when I haven't gotten to enjoy the dynamic that all three of us have together. I get nervous, anxious, and unable to handle it.

Frankly, with our dynamic, a TON of it is solved when all three of us are together, and per discussions with Anne, the fact that we don't live together is a HUGE part of her own discomfort. The fundamental imbalance, as you put it, is indeed fixed when we are ALL together. The comfort level we all seek is THERE when we're all together, etc. I see no problems with building individual relationships between two of us off of a foundation of happiness, security, and comfort when all three of us are together.

We aren't looking to solve the problems of insecurity by preventing the situation that cause them. We're looking to find that level of security that exists between all three of us, and use that security to help outright fix the insecurities that exist when that dynamic is broken. Does that make sense?

Honestly, with our dynamic, this is the most efficient way we've found to go about it. And like I said, we ARE working on each individual issue for the time being, between all three of us. Anne and I KNOW how important communication is between the two of us. It IS NOT feasible for us to move in right away. I see no problems, as I said before, with us moving in together 4 months down the road when that's an easier reality, while working on the separate issues for the time being.
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