Originally Posted by Ceoli
That's a good description, and honestly, it was exactly this kind of filament that ended the relationship I was in. She didn't know it was there till it cut off all our legs. (or really cut off my legs and something else for them)
The trouble is that in the way it was set up, as half of the "established" couple, she was the only one that was allowed to have those filaments and all adjustments had to be based on her issues, thus disempowering me even further.
One of my good friends described a certain amount of equality this way: If the established partner said, "I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, could you spend less time with our new partner so we can work on it?", could that situation be reversed where the new partner said, "I'm feeling insecure at the moment. Could you spend less time with your established partner so we can work on it?"
Honestly, from what I've been reading of yours and HMA's descriptions of the dynamic when Anne spends time with HMA, I would honestly have reasons to be insecure of that relationship if I was in Anne's place. But then again, I've just been burned, so I probably don't have the best perspective
Just for the record, I am INTENSELY glad for your input. As someone who is discovering "filaments", it's good for me to have the viewpoint of someone on the opposite end of the spectrum - ie, someone who has been burned and had their feet cut off by that exact thing. It's healthy.
I fully believe and want Anne to have the same freedom I do when it comes to spending time dealing with insecurities with HMA. It's important for her! Right now, my struggle is with making that sacrifice. She DOES need to spend time with him - and I need him too. I'm going from having unrestricted access to his support, to sharing it with someone else. It's tough for me. And I recognize fully - as he and I have been talking about - that a lot of that is my fault. I've been indulging in my insecurities based on past experiences I don't want to get into here.
Anne is more than welcome to have her own filaments, as is HMA. We've tripped on some of them already! I feel like we all need to be working on cutting and discovering filaments in this relationship. It hasn't been long at all for us, only about 3 weeks - and we're doing really really well with it. I think that discovering as many of these at the BEGINNING is healthiest. Better to find them and either cut them or step over them NOW rather than 5 years down the road when it will be WAAAAAAY harder.
Anne has every reason to feel insecure. I recognize that a lot of her insecurities are because of mine. She and I, combined with all three of us and my private conversations with HMA are helping to overcome that.