And now for something completely different
I've talked a lot about Gia and Eric. One person I haven't touched on is that "strong secondary partner" I mentioned in my first post. That would be Davis.
I've known Davis since I was a teenager. We dated for three years when I was in my early 20's. It was a monogamous relationship, and we really built a life together.
After two years I cheated on him -- just once, then came home and apologized after. I almost left then, for the other person, but decided to stay. That third year of the relationship had its high points, but was pretty much the worst year of my life. I felt torn up all the time from the realization that I really did want to leave but couldn't muster the strength to do it. When I finally ended it, in early 2007, he was very depressed and I was just relieved.
We haven't managed to stay too far away from each other since. We've been friends throughout, and lovers off and on. Last year we started saying "I love you" to each other again.
He's a true mono. In the four years since we split up, he hasn't once been with anyone else. He told me that it was hard to come to terms with the fact that he truly didn't feel much desire for anyone else, but that he's at peace with it now. He's a cherished friend to me and despite our past there's a great deal of faith and trust between us.
I haven't talked about Davis here because there hasn't been much to say. But now, it seems that's changing. I used to compartmentalize my life... Davis knew about Gia and vice versa, but I didn't invite them to the same outings, primarily because I knew that, while he accepted it, Davis didn't like to think of me with other people. Recently, though, he called me out on my habit of keeping him out of parts of my life. At my birthday party last month I had all of my lovers there. Davis was taciturn, but he managed.
Since then, he's said to me "I don't want to change you, I know there's no point in that... but I feel like part of a smorgasbord when I want to be the main course." In other words, without having the vocabulary for it, he's asking to be my primary.
I told him that I was willing to think about it. I told him that there was no way I was going to leave Gia, but that other aspects of my life could be negotiable. He said he had a hard time picturing what a new relationship between the two of us would look like. I'm going to send him some articles on mono/poly relationships.
Is this really something he can come to accept or even, ever, embrace? Am I setting us up to hurt each other badly once again? Will his sister, who took it poorly when we broke up, have a hit put out on me when she realizes what's going on?
*sigh* Well, we wouldn't want things to be simple, now would we?