Thread: Life is funny
View Single Post
  #18  
Old 05-12-2011, 01:38 AM
bitterborn's Avatar
bitterborn bitterborn is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 42
Default

I was asked how I deal with jealousy. To answer that, I would have to define the word and I don't feel capable of doing that. English (the only language I can do more than count and swear in) doesn't have enough words to describe all the feelings that I associate with jealousy. The quick and dirty answer is that her happiness truly makes me happy. The slow and clean answer follows:

I learned from M during our relationship that feelings are real, they belong to the person that has them, they are not wrong, they are not misguided, you can't take them away, you can't change them. The word is a plural noun. It exists. Telling a person that their feelings are wrong are telling that person they are wrong. Their feelings are part of them.

Change the word "feelings" to feet in any sentence and say it to your self to see if what you are about to say makes sense. You can dislike their feet, you can wish their feet didn't hurt.... You can't tell them they need to get rid of their feet or the relationship will never work.

When R walks into the room he becomes the center of M's world. Everything else is just background. Her eyes never leave him, she hangs on his every word, she hangs on his arm, she drapes herself on him. Damn skippy I wish I was R at that point, I want to be the center of her world, I want to know why she wasn't that way with me five minutes earlier, I wonder where my wife went. R gets uncomfortable for a bit and looks at me to make sure I am Ok, he will say something to me. M gets annoyed that R is talking to me, get real after all he came all this way to see her.

R really wishes he had her like I have her. R would give a testicle to have the opportunity to have a casual conversation about constipation with her or wake up to her snoring.

I will be sitting on the couch with her, both of us comfortable in each others presence, her watching tv, me reading or playing on the puter. Not talking but together. Her phone dings with a text from R and I get suddenly annoyed that she is paying attention to him instead of me.

They have sex, wild, loud, obviously enjoyable sex. I get turned on and left hanging. I wonder why it's not my turn.

She is different with R, it's because he is not just a lover, he is loved.

M is not a romantic, yet she romances him.

She wants to look good for R and is happy hanging out with me most of Saturday before she finds her toothbrush.

They refrain (as much as they can) from expressing their love in front of me, we all are uncomfortable.

Jeez.... we are all complicated, we can really screw up happiness trying to avoid all of that, and we have. I don't think all of the feelings from what I wrote are jealousy. Most of those feelings hurt, but that doesn't mean they are bad. R would trade me in a heartbeat. I see him as the center of her world, he sees me as the center of her universe and the center of her heart. When they talk of me, she tells him I am her breath, her best friend, and that she will be with me forever. I am sure she has hurt him with that, I am sure he wants that, I am sure he is envious.

I find her beautiful when she holds her breath painting, absolutely still and unaware of the passing hours. R doesn't know that facet of her, poor guy.

R makes her happy, I love her being happy.

If I had enough money for either a coke icey or something I wanted, I would give up what I wanted so that she could have her icey.

I have feelings, I have jealousy. They are real, they are mine. I take them out and look at them from time to time, if I wanted to and I could convince R or M to compare them they would gladly exchange them for theirs.

Instead I talk with M, we find better words to describe them, we look at the motives I assigned to the actions and words that generated the feelings. Sometimes what I thought wasn't what was meant. Sometimes I realize I am holding the wrong feeling. Sometimes I accept the pain.

Last edited by bitterborn; 05-12-2011 at 01:41 AM.
Reply With Quote