Exposing my belly here...
RS text me this: "Ask yourself if a lot of your angst is about giving up control of what you Canít control' and don't want to anyway. I think it might be about that...XO"
Acknowledging this... And realizing i can't be this way anymore... While at the same time not knowing how to rid myself of the 'troll', the part of me inside that is scratching and clawing to retain what it believes gave him joy and contentedness.