Thanks for the clarification, redpepper. I think I read the tone of your intial post as being a little more harsh than what you had probably intended. That's one of the troubles with written communication, sometimes tone is lost.
You're probably right that there are other deeper questions to ask than just the BDSM related ones, but since that's what the thread was about, that's what I decided to address in my response.... and from the experiences I've had, sometimes it's difficult to sit down and tackle and identify what those deeper issues are until after all the surface issues that are causing extra tension have been dealt with...
I do agree that slowing things down is a good option here, often times I have noticed (especially in myself) is that I tend to want to rush all the time to deal with things, and sometimes things take time and we need to slow down to deal with things that are difficult. I think it's a trap that people who are new to polyamory fall into because in many cases, you're retraining yourself to think differently than what you were taught to be true about relationships, and it takes a level of communication that often times we're not accustomed to using so it's difficult work that takes time.