I'd also like to mention something about the sex:
A lot of people on here I have read started out similiarly to myself in allowing a spouse to sleep with someone else, with an emotional connection coming out unexpectedly. I won't speak for everyone, but I know that while I didn't expect there to be an emotional connection, I'm honestly glad there is. I don't like thinking of my wife as an object to be used simply for sex. But I, and I'd be willing to bet many in my shoes, don't take issue with the emotion, but rather in that it rivals their established relationships.
That said, I wasn't trying to get her to sleep with people. She asked me. Therefore, I'm generally left having to take her emotions and feelings on matters at face value rather than telling her what she feels. Unfortunately, she's often wrong.
Last night she asked me if it'd be okay for her to sleep in his bed with him if I were to leave for a few days for whatever reason. I told her I wouldn't approve and she argued with me that I was being possessive. She says that she's slept in bed with friends before just because she likes snuggling up to people. I don't think it's the same, especially when she's in love with the guy. Plus, every time we go further down the rabbit hole, things are never what we expect. Thoughts on this?
I'm just feeling frustrated, unloved, and unsatisfying. When I look at all of my friends and 99% of how society operates then I'm the most unpossessive guy out there. My friends wouldn't allow a fraction of this. My friends know me as a very alpha male and would never understand why I allow something like this. Yet she always wants more. I end up relenting because she makes me feel guilty, as if I'm some possessive jerk who is infringing on her happiness. She was supposed to use condoms, and I let her talk me out of that. She was supposed to not let him finish off inside her and I let her talk me out of that. I just don't get how she cannot be happy with what she has. Most women would absolutely kill for what she has.
And she doesn't get my insecurity. I was VERY secure with my relationship prior to this. She doesn't understand how this is an attack on my confidence. I exist as an alpha male in the rest of my life. I feel I'm competing for that position in my home now. I'm still concerned that she doesn't respect me because "what kind of man" allows his wife to sleep with another man? Besides, it makes me feel like a beta male to know that sometimes she wants to get laid, and she doesn't immediately thing to go to me. I understand concepts of novelty intellectually, but my gut is angry. I figured novelty would put her wanting to have sex with him only occasionally, but it hasn't worked out that way.
For example, the other night she slept with him for an hour and a half. She didn't want to go that long I'm sure, but that's how long it took for him to get off. She comes upstairs, tired, and we can only do it for about 10 minutes because she's tired and sore (marked up with a hickey on her body). How is this not an attack on my alpha status?