Thread: Struggling
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:43 PM
StillaStudent StillaStudent is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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@Carma: "It is the circumstances of my relationship with Butch that are also so attractive. Ah, yes -- the lack of promises, expectations and demands, that is exhilarating!"

I understand this. However, as being the mono member of the relationship I feel cheated. How fair is it that I get to be seen as the boring guy because my relationship has those requirements? I'm now denied a wife who is excited to see me because I gave permission to do something exciting for her. The end result is an artificial relationship that is held on par with my own?

@MrFarFromRight: "Frankly, I think that you should reconsider your priorities."

This is what I've had to do. Now I have to accept the fact that my wife does not have as strong of feelings for me as I do her. The end result is that I have to ask whether I'm willing to walk from the relationship because I'm looking for a stronger one. It's sad to me. I'm less worried that she's going to leave me, but that I'm going to leave her when I find a girl who IS excited by me.

@redpepper: Yeah, I'm going to basically tell him he needs to babysit (oh look who is calling my wife) gar!. As to getting a female to paper over the cracks, I'm not really sure I'm looking at it that way. I'm seeing it more as that there's a simple dissatisfaction in my marriage now that wasn't there before.

"Oh ya, the veto thing. It doesn't sound like she is going to go with "if its too much I will leave him" thing... I think you are holding on to lost hope there. You don't seem to have the best record for holding your ground... or even having ground to hold on. What makes you think that you will have a leg to stand on with that? Especially now that he lives with you! "

Why don't I have a leg to stand on? I fail to understand how I'm in no place to make any demands after 7 years with my wife. I'm supposed to just cuckold myself like a worm to her every wish? Frankly, if I did not believe she'd stop cold turkey at my request, I'd have served her with papers.

@BlackUnicorn: We were only friends for a few months and still hang out around the house doing stuff, but while he's a good guy, I see him less as a friend now and more as competition. I concede that we foolishly didn't expect a relationship to develop, but this was new ground. As to the V, sure, we both live under this roof, but she doesn't and will not kiss him or whatever in front of me. She doesn't spend nights in his bed, tell him she loves him, ect. She and I have had great communication through all this. She knows what my demands are, and while always trying to convince me to open up, has honored those demands. Steve, on the other hand, has no idea there's the slightest amount of stress brought on by him. Again, theirs is an artificial relationship. My wife gets insulted when I call it that, but it's true. He's getting the benefits and emotionally attachment of a real relationship while not having to get involved in the nasty things a real relationship entails. This again makes him fun and exciting while I end up being boring and drama.

@All:

Please understand where I'm going here. I appreciate EVERYONE'S help here thus far, so PLEASE do not be offended. I an not intending to attack anyone. I think what happens is that I'm at something of a disconnect with how I picture relationships with many poly folk. I sense a strong bit of faux-enlightenment but it's generally coming from the people at the hinge. I think this is easy to do when there is no malice intended.

I understand the attraction of being poly. I've never loved anyone but my wife and child, but I am absolutely desirious of and open to the concept of loving other people. I can understand loving multiple people so long as there's a clearly primary relationship. I'm not talking about out of a need to get by in society, but rather in that there is a degree of love and trust that can only be given to one person. I feel like without this, then there would be a lack of the most fulfilling relationship possible, regardless of how many people you loved and carried a romantic relationship with.
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