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Old 05-10-2011, 07:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,058

Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
Absolutely agreed that the correct course of action here involves communication, and that your wife sounds very depressed, but I kinda take issue with the idea that you were somehow complicit in her weight gain and depression.
Originally Posted by Cariad View Post
It's also unfair for you to "let" her continue as she is.
Originally Posted by WrongWay View Post
I probably was complicit, I don't cook, but I probably added to her weight gain early on, by not making healthy choices for myself.
When I said you were complicit, I did not mean necessarily that you did any particular thing related to eating or working out. What I meant was closer to Cariad's quote above - letting it continue. Also, when two people are married and have a close bond, even though we are all 100% responsible for our actions, there are other things that influence and set the tone in the relationship. Unless there is an actual chemical imbalance which results in a real mental illness, one partner in the relationship does not make choices and decisions in a vacuum. We all have our underlying belief systems and patterns of behavior which interplay with our partner's. It could be as simple as ignoring the warning signs and not saying anything, to wishing for an excuse to cheat or run the hell out of there - our partners pick that up and react. There are two people in your relationship that made choices, decisions, judgments, and either communicated them or not. No one gets out and says, "I had nothing to do with it."

The whole of a human being is much larger than our physical bodies, of course, and on unconscious levels we sense when stuff is going on, when others judge us, etc., and then we have our own patterns of behavior that influence how we respond. But when you have a commitment of marriage to someone, it behooves you both to dig deep underneath the rote behaviors and mental processes to see what fears and beliefs are under it all and to respond organically and in the moment to what is.

For right now, wondering about N. and how you feel, and how it could've gone, and so on, is just a smokescreen, a distraction for you to avoid the pain of where your marriage has found itself - let it go. Stop that and start relating again to your wife -- help her find out what pain she is avoiding or trying to deaden with her eating and reclusiveness. Remember the person you fell in love with and married - she is still in there somewhere and she needs you. I would say couples therapy would be a good place to start.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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