Mag, Masq and M my wife....
There seems to be a lot of M's. M read the last post yesterday and commented something to the effect that I left out a lot about the other people in my life I love, I left out a lot pain, I really only talked about loving others through people I already love.
I was talking about those scenic overlooks and ignoring the muddy crossing with mosquitoes. I was focusing on the positive, wrapped up in my current beauty it is easy to ignore the negatives.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". <-some poet
"Love is a willingness to sacrifice for another. <- Bitterborn
Those two quotes, actually the feelings behind them can be dangerous when combined. These emotions we play with and casually praise here are very powerful, they are easy to abuse, they can hurt.
I am so very me, as messed up as any of you reading this. I have done absolutely stupid things because I thought someone loved me. I have lowered my sense of right and wrong. I have accepted complete humiliation in the name of love. I have changed myself into something that even I can't tolerate. I have been so desperate for love that I was capable of doing anything, absolutely anything to keep that love. While I was doing it, it was beautiful.... it was my eye's beholding it after all and obviously I was willing to sacrifice for it. Yeah, I've been there, so have most of you. Love may be beautiful but it isn't always pretty, love may heal but it can hurt.
Love for me at this point in my life must include acceptance both ways. No change required. Our current relationship with R has that. I doubt that I could be involved with it or enjoy it without it.
Back to M's observation of yesterday's post. I have loved others. A very big one was another M but we will go by her middle initial of V since there are a lot of M's around here. M and I were at a very low part in our relationship a few years ago, we were lacking in communication, professionally we had goals that fought each other, our schedules conflicted. We were headed to the room mate status. Two people that just happened to live at the same address. Looking back there were tons of reaching out from both sides, but neither one of could see it then.
As wonderful as our relationship is now, it was as terrible then. I felt very alone then, and I spent a lot of time alone. V and I found a common basis in Ayn Rand, writing and words, we fell in love, it wasn't a perfect love, strangely we never physically met, but it was real love, we spent a lot of time on the phone, online, we explored each other. I Loved her, it was a beautiful love.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, M found that what V and I had was beautiful too, she looked and saw that V was giving me what she wasn't at that time. M truly loves me, M was willing to sacrifice for another because she loves me. M began to push me away, to make our relationship more painful, more unbearable. M knew that I would be happier with V, that my life would be better with this witty, beautiful, younger woman who I connected so well with. M loved me enough even at that point that she wanted to give me what would make me happy even at the cost of her own sanity.
Pain, agony, tears, screams, fights, yells, loss of trust, intentional wounding.... all love too............
One afternoon, screaming through her tears, so emotionally and physically exhausted she could barely stand, she kicked me out, told me to go live with V, she was freeing me. She was making herself the bad guy so that I could leave and go find my happiness.
That was a long afternoon. I was very angry at her for belittling M's and my love, I could not live without her, a choice was forced on me, M or V. Life with or without M, losing the part of me that I can't breathe without, losing the part of me that was currently fufilling me and providing me with beauty.
I don't think either of was rational at that point. Love ain't always pretty. I put a gun in her hand, placed her finger on the trigger and pointed it at my chest. "Till death do us part" that's another beautifully ugly quote. But that was the only way I was willing to leave M.
Obviously I didn't go to V and M didn't shoot. V and I went painfully separate ways. It was a ugly moment and beautiful in it's own way. It was a turning point that headed us back to healing and making our relationship what it is today. It was most definitely not a healthy Poly relationship and part of that was that our relationship wasn't healthy when a third entered the picture.
Today I still deeply love V, I am not "in love" with her, we don't interact, I still find her beautiful. Today M and I are deeply "in love", I find her more beautiful and thankfully we interact at a much greater level.
Today M has lots of regret for that time in our lives, and now that R is part of us, she realizes what V could have been. It's another thing that we have now been able to sit down and discuss, those painful emotions we used to avoid were brought back out.
Yeah... it's not an easy journey, be careful to hold the other's hand, you don't want them falling off the cliff or getting lost on the way...