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Old 05-10-2011, 06:00 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by jg75 View Post
I think the hardest part of this is the fact that our original agreement was not discussed until 2 months into it. We are still in an open relationship. Currently I have withdrawn from spending time with the three of us because I am ignored and often feel like a third wheel, I'm sure that has to do with NRE. Time management is tough right now because around every corner they want more time together. I do so care for them both, both are my best friends and one is my wife. But where do I draw the line of what is acceptable as I am supposed to be the primary?
Well, no time like now to put your foot down.... here are some boundaries. I wish to not be ignored when we are all together, I wish to spend equal to more time with my wife than her new partner until I feel confident in this situation. So it didn't get talked about until now, well, they are learning and so are you... get on it now.

There is a thought that a new poly dynamic go at the pace of the one that is struggling the most... or is slowly trying to make sense of what is happening and trying to become less confused. Ask for this consideration.

I think that renegotiating the open thing might be a good idea... it could set you all up to make assumptions that are not true. You don't have to use the terms so much as get on board with understanding where you are all coming from. What goals do they have and you have? What do they and you see happening right now? What do they think about your involvement in their budding romance? What do you think? How can you be supportive to them? Ask them this? Ask them for your turn to tell them how they can support you? have an answer that makes sense and is specific. Not one that leaves them guessing....

When I talk to my partners I tell them exactly what I want to hear and what I want them to do... There is no guessing, assuming and presuming. Everyone knows straight up what is expected and what has been requested. If the request is not agreed to be followed then its time to negotiate until there is something that can be followed For instance; four hours on Tuesday night might be too long for you, two would be ideal. They might come back with three and you might be okay with that with the idea that in a month from now you would be willing to discuss four. This is how we negotiate in our tribe anyway.

I usually make my presence very known if I feel like I am being left out. I take it into my own hands as my own project to become known... I don't take it personally and don't expect anyone to notice. Usually people listen if I respect them and conjure up empathy by making myself vulnerable enough to tell them how I feel and what is going on for me without expecting them to have noticed my plight ahead of time.... With this in mind people in NRE are stupid. It's like they are drunk. You have to spell it out like they are toddlers... seriously. I say this with tongue in cheek, but it has been my experience
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