This is starting to become a conversation between us with lots of voyeurs.
No problem though, writing has always been a way for me to work through my feelings and emotions and the thought of others watching does add some zing.
For now let's stay with love, I can't speak for others but it is definitely possible for me to love more than one person. It's been proven to me time and time again. It took a long time for it to blow me away, sweep me off my feet and show me that my heart was capable of way more than should be possible.
September 20th, 1990 at about one in the morning, I was standing in a sterile hallway looking through a window. On the other side of the glass was a newborn, wisps of red hair, god I was in love, I was smitten. I actually stood and stared, silent tears of love and joy, losing all feeling in my legs, thoughts of his mother were nowhere in sight. Love, complete, painful, overwhelming, incapable of coping love. I actually loved his mother more at that point, for bringing him into our lives. So proud of him, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs, to show him off.
Then the little shit opened his left eye and for the second time in my life I rediscovered true blue. All of the emotions I felt looking at that sleeping baby just minutes before were multiplied. I didn't just have silent tears of joy, I sobbed uncontrollably as my life turned upside down and every thing I thought I knew about love and committment was shown to be absolute lies. I stood in that hall unaware of time, unaware of hunger, unaware of anything but him for hours. Hoping just hoping that he would open that eye again so I could see the inner him, hoping he would see me too.
Life changing. That new love. Learning that love can be truly unconditional. Learning that love can be whole and complete, even before the other is aware, even if the other is never aware. It deepened my love for others. It made his mother and I more in love for a while.
That was half my life ago. A lot of water has passed under that bridge in the time that has passed. His and my love has been the longest healthy relationship I have had. His mother and I are no longer together, that was painful, and that was neccesary. But our love was separate from my love for his mother, and that is a lesson that I needed to learn as well.
That was half my life ago. Even today as I write this those same emotions are overwhelming, there are tears in my eyes, and I am falling all over again as I relive that experience. Even today I love that person (now a grown man), I love him unconditionally, regardless if he makes decisions I don't agree with, regardless if he doesn't call me for months at a time. I am intensely proud of him, I am grateful he keeps me in his life.
I didn't feel that same level of emotions again until I realized I was already in love with M. And then I was again shaken and learning that everything I thought I knew was again rendered obsolete. M and I were not supposed to work, we were both married to other people at the time, we both had children, neither of our spouses would understand. I was her boss's boss. What a recipe for disaster. Somehow we made it...
And... I love her unconditionally, I love her when she makes decisions I don't agree with, I love her when she overdraws the checking account, I love her even when she frustrates me so much I get angry. Damn I love her ! And you know what, she had children when I fell for her, little people that she loves with all that she is, at least as much as I love my son. Those people, those children, those humans she will love all of her life, who she will love even when they are less than perfect. Those people are part of her, those people are part of what makes her, her.
TO LOVE HER! TO ACCEPT HER! I must accept, I must love those that she loves. Those children, those people, this other man that she loves, they are part of her. Even when I don't like what they have done or can agree with their decisions, even when they hurt or throw barbs or say things they can never take back. I love them for who they are, I love them for being part of my greatest love ever.
And that love for her I have, I rediscover it when I see the joy in her eyes when a child finally sends her a message, I rediscover it when I hear laughter mixed with tears because her heart can't decide if it should fly or break, I rediscover it when I hear her tell her other significant other that she loves him and means it with all her being. I rediscover it partly because when she says it to him she holds my hand and squeezes it, her soul bared to me in her own blue eyes, that soul screaming her love for me and for the third in my life I rediscover true blue. And I realize that once again everything I thought I knew about love and committment was an absolute lie and that I am capable of more love than a single person can contain and once again the love for another person strengthens the love I already experience.
But.... that's just me... I can't speak for others....