Doing things the Wrong Way.
I love my wife, her name is (D). She is 17 years my senior, she has been my best friend for for years. We have been through some incredible challenges together and we have a bond I can't even begin to describe. In spite of this I began having an affair with a friend called (N) who is closer to my age.
My wife D had gained a lot weight and seemed to have lost interest in her appearance, while she was still cute to me, she had also lost a great deal of her libido. I was not exactly feeling attractive either, I would try to initiate sex only to be pushed away, I began to feel insulted and unwanted sexually.
Truthfully, I was having a hard time making love with her, mainly because of her excess weight, almost every position caused a problem. From me getting crushed to her running out of steam. Things were not going good.
I did not talk about it. I knew she was aware of it, it had been mentioned by her a few times. I just tried to be reassuring and do the best I could to ensure she was satisfied even though I was beginning to not look forward to lovemaking as a pleasurable experience anymore.
I felt alone, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and was beginning to desire things that she did not want. I wanted to go out at night still and get a little rowdy, have fun, try some different things sexually. She was not particularly interested, though she did try some stuff, but it took so much urging on my part it felt like I was forcing her and it was not fun for me.
I told her how I felt, we said we would work on it, but the effort on her part seemed minimum.
At the time my friend N was in a relationship, but was feeling unfulfilled. She wanted something different, or perhaps just to be treated like a beautiful, attractive woman again. We were friends, we had a lot in common. We shared similar views on so many things and just enjoyed chatting and shooting the shit. It started with small things, like her asking what I thought about her hair or a particular outfit. I'd pay a compliment and she would eat it up. Perhaps even pay me a compliment back, like saying "that means a lot, especially coming from a guy like you".
We became very close, and I knew I was developing feelings for her. I did not want to loose my wife and I decided to introduce her to the world of poly, through forums and videos. I though if I can get her to agree to be poly before I do anything I can make this work. She decided it was not something that interested her. She was hurt to a degree, but said she could understand it, and had no moral objections. Just was not for her and that if I was going to do it, then what was the point of being married.
N and I continued to get close, eventually a smile became a touch, a touch became a hug, a hug became a kiss and we had entered into an affair. We both felt bad, we felt strained, trying to manage our lives and still get time to see each other. It was an addiction, one we tried to break. We stopped seeing each other for a few weeks. We communicated and decided we could still be friends. But on our first friend outing, we ended up ripping each others clothes off. We did not want to loose our partners and discussed a poly lifestyle, and both though it was something we could do.
We carried on for almost a year, talking our partners into a poly life unsuccessfully, breaking up for a day or two but not being able to stay apart. In a new development, N split with her partner and said she wants me to be with her. I want to be with her too. I am in love with her, I am sure of that. Am I still in love with my wife? So much has changed, I love and care for her, but am I still "in love"? Well not the way I used to be. But I don't want to let her go, or see her hurt. (Which she will be if/when she finds out about the affair.)
I feel poly, because on a certain level I love them both. However it's just a fantasy land. I would love to have us all as best friends, with them both understanding that I will love them both and dedicate my life to them. In reality, I know that D would be devastated and end up divorcing me. N has now changed her mind on being poly, since her partner is no longer around, she wants me to be with her and her alone.
So here I am, stuck. I love two women. I looks like I can only be with one.
Right now I have an option, I can end my affair and stay with my wife, hope she never finds out and I will live the rest of my life repressing my polly urges. Trying to never cheat again, but feeling unfulfilled and perhaps a little resentful. I know I will hurt N, and I'll probably spend the rest of my days thinking about what could have been.
Or, I can leave my wife, choose N, even without being poly, I could envision a great life for us. But, I would never forgive myself for the hurt I caused D. I'd miss her constantly, worry about her, wish I could see her.
So, sorry for the huge wall of text, but it would seem, I am screwed. I love them both, I want them both but I can't have them both. If anyone wants to give me some input or advice on what you think I should do I would appreciate it.
(PS. Please, I don't need judgmental posts condemning the affair, I know it was wrong, I feel horrible about it, I take full responsibility for my actions. However, what's done is done and what I really need now is advice on how to move forward. Thank You.)