Embarking on a rocky journey
I really find this site helpful and insightful. I have been a bit of a lurker for the last few months and feel it is important for me to post my introduction, so I put a quick hello in the intro section.
I don't often get a good opportunity to post a detailed post, so I would like to do so here. If this is more appropriate for another section and moderators which to move it, so be it.
I am a bisexual male in my early-ish thirties from Canada. I have had a half dozen long term relationships almost back to back since I was 17. In 2009 when I became single again after a 5 year relationship, I decided I wasn't going to commit to a monogamous relationship for a while. Less than a month after becoming single I met C, and told her I wasn't going to commit to monogamy for a while. I needed time. Not long after meeting I started to fall in love with her, but since I fall in love with people kinda fast, I let C know I was going to take things slow to process things and I would still be dating other people. A few months later I met J and also let her know I was dating other people. J was fairly different from C, but I loved being with J.
As I connected so well with C and loved being with J, I dated them for the majority of last year. Both of them knew the others name as a result of a social networking site. As the year continued my career was finally beginning (after a frustrating number of months post graduating with my Masters), in a city a few hours from home. All the while C was creating a lot of drama and frustration as a result of her insecurities etc... while J stuffed most of her insecurities away and was just happy to spend time with me. Life situations continued and it seemed that I was being pressured by C and by other people in my life, that I had to make a choice and stop "dragging it on". C and I "trial separated" for almost a month with little communication and it was clear i missed her, love her, and needed her in my life. An opportunity for C to come to the city I am working in came up and she was going to move in with me. I broke up with J and it devastated me. It devastated J. I broke up someone I love and didn't want to break up with. At this time I informed C and J that I believe that I may be polyamorous, but that I need to try things with C.
Fast forward a few months, and it is clear that I miss J and took every opportunity I could get to spend time with J and our common friends, which was a few times. I still communicate with J, and C knows I do. C knows I still love J. J knows I love C. It became apparent to me that I should explore poly when I move back to my home city (much larger population and a more liberal environment) at the end of my term. I knew I had to talk to C about my thoughts (and have been working through them with a therapist)
C is a jealous type, insecure, and not open to the idea of poly, but knows I feel the need to explore this. Meanwhile J and I have discussed the possibilities of poly life together and is rather excited about the possibility of being together in an open relationship. Enter: pregnancy. Yes, C and I found out last week that she and I are expecting. C has always had baby fever, is nearing 30, decided years ago (before I met her) that she would be a single mom if necessary one day. Also, C may not be able to get pregnant again for health reasons. She also knows that I will be in the child's life regardless of what we decide (abort or keep), and be the best father I can. She also knows that this discovery of being poly isn't going away. C seems to think that I want an abortion. I don't. I just want C to understand that if we keep the baby, it will not resolve the fact that I will be the kind of person that has the personal philosophy of love and embracing love and intimacy with a number of people. I see beauty in sharing love, and appreciating touch and intimacy with more than 1 person. It strengthens what you love about each partner. And the possibility of a few partners being involved with raising my child makes me feel so full of love and possibility. I need to do this.
What now? I don't want to break up with C. I miss J. I feel it is important to explore the possibilities with J. But I can't break up with C. I love her so much. I know this will be challenging with a needy, jealous, pregnant C looking over my shoulder and making drama about everything as she does. It's stressful to her, me, and to little Dreamglyder's healthy development. I want to keep him or her alive.
I'm so overwhelmed with all of this. Any insights and feedback is greatly appreciated.