Thread: Reinventing Ivy
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:04 PM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 89

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Poor, poor Ivy.
Ack, it all sounds so whiny, doesn't it? I start writing it out, and then I start to wallow in it.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Yes, there is something wrong with you - you have a low self-esteem and an internal tape that keeps on playing the same stupid old message over and over again....The biggest thing that is wrong with you is that you always think there is something wrong with you.
It is self-reinforcing. I've had very few relationships, so when something goes wrong in one, I end up trying to figure out how I could have prevented it. Instead of just admitting that sometimes things don't work out, I end up blaming myself--I was too needy, too emotionally invested, or just too undesirable. Objectively, I can see this, but when I'm feeling everything crumble around me, it's difficult to keep that perspective.

I start searching for a problem I can "fix," and the only problem I can easily find (or potentially fix) is me.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
What made it possible for you to overcome your insecurity and self-blame with Vino?
Vino was easy, at least while we were monogamous. We just hit it off, and we were both (at the time) willing to commit to monogamy. He's always been fine with the idea of me dating women, though--I told him very frankly I was bisexual when we first met, I just never had the opportunity to act on it before Ella.

He claims he could come to terms with me dating men, but at this point, that's only theoretical--I've been cut off from most of my former social circle, I've been feeling too withdrawn to meet anyone new, and the men at my work are very monogamously married (I don't think I'd want to date a coworker, anyway). So he hasn't been put in that position yet. We haven't had to navigate it.

This has really been a bit of a trainwreck for my self-esteem, and since the breakup, my sex life with Vino has kind of faded. I feel gross even getting nekkid with him...and then I feel guilty, too. Blecch. I've never felt like that around him before, but we're working on it. Definitely not a solved problem yet, though.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Have you had therapy in the past? Self-help and meditation can work wonders too (for me it has) if you can't afford or are not comfortable with therapy.
I have had therapy in the past, for stress (I was making myself physically ill worrying about my grades and career. Gradschoolfail.) I did try therapy again, but the "poly-friendly" therapist was steering me back toward monogamy--suggesting nonexistent problems between me and Vino to explain why I wanted to date other people.

Right now I'm trying self-help, but it's becoming an obsession--I'm reading Opening Up, and a book on how to flirt, a couple other books, and a half-dozen web sites, blogs, and forums. I know myself, and I'll keep reading for the next decade, because then, ten years from now, I might actually be prepared to successfully interact with real live human beings!

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I am rooting for you, Ella and Ben! And Vino too!
Thanks. Kind words really help.
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