Originally Posted by YGirl
I agree with all that. I try to find pitfalls in scenarios so that contingencies might be devised.
It all comes down to the fact that one person cannot change another person. They can support, encourage, threaten, forgive, and understand, but if the husband's behaviour patterns are working for him, he prob'ly won't change until and unless they stop generating the results he wants.
The whole thing with the "Yes or no" bugs me because if the OP says "Yes you can see her" he will take that as carte-blanche to do whatever, whenever, and if she says "No" then he can be all "unhappy" and blame it on his wife: "I'm unhappy FOR YOU honey, I'm doing what YOU WANTED".
Dear Moonandstars - I apologize for speaking of you in the 3rd person as if you're not in the room.
The yes/no irritates me as well. I find it frustrating to even have to have a discussion with someone who is like that. Ironically my husband is black/white as well and sometimes I feel like I have to lead him to the other crayons, color with them and then he finally says "oh wow there is another color" after spending all that time insisting it didn't exist.
Frankly I wouldn't ask my husband for a yes/no (I'm the one who promotes poly in our marriage). I let him know "this is me and this is what i need/want so how can we make it work?" But that is just me.
As for the responsibility-sometimes the best way to find out of someone is willing to do something about their irresponsibility-is to stop taking care of it for them.
Not always fun, not always easy-but it does generally show you what they are willing to do. Sometimes (especially with men) they don't see the point in changing something that works. So if you are doing it for them, why should they start doing it?