Thank you Magdyln. Did not quite occur to me that I should try to keep it in format. Duh.
So no one is rushing anything and I am trying so very hard to not be unfair. Although at times it feels I am pulling teeth and breaking down their illusions and defenses and even lies.
It turns out the two of them, when they were swinging as a couple, never made up rules except "no pressure." Because she was content to just follow whatever he wanted, and he has always made sure she is safe and content.
So I am struggling to separate out the feeling of being betrayed with viable, reasonable rules to put everyone on the same side.
My rules so far: 1.) I am to be treated with the same consideration and respect that the male of my couple asked I treat his wife with at the start. 2.) NO SWINGING until this thing is settled 3.) review of the rules after a few months to see if they're working will be necessary.
But when they keep asking how they can make amends... for that I'm at a loss.