It sounds like she is doing her best to get there, but it will never be even. It just doesn't work like that. Love is never even with anyone. It doesn't mean one is more important than the other, its just different.
Your situation would be my nightmare (I just wouldn't put myself there any more, I likely would only chose people who are experienced at poly at this point) but I think if I were you I would keep doing your best to accommodate her if she is working on loosening her control issues. Keep your agreements and don't agree to stuff you can't do. You get to put your foot down when necessary. Pick your battles.
I hope it is made very clear to her that primary/secondary relationships only work if all agree. If you intend to be in a position of equal, then make sure she know that and are investing in that. That you are agreeing to her whims because you intend to be there for the long haul and expect to be treated as equal.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-09-2011 at 07:49 PM.