I'm feeling profoundly cynical about polyamory today, especially about opening up a monogamous relationship.
So, I was attracted to, and even fell for, other people. It happens. I think the majority of "monogamous" folk (in the relationship arrangement sense, not the psychological sense) experience that from time to time. But you let it go, to avoid hurting someone you love.
And even if you're deeply in love with someone else, letting it go is absolutely possible. People do it all the time, when relationships end, or when the feeling isn't returned. They let go of that feeling in order to heal themselves, or to protect themselves from heartbreak. Humans are adaptive, and can exert a tremendous amount of willpower, when they actually try.
So if people can exert that kind of willpower to protect themselves, isn't it incredibly selfish to not
put out the same effort to protect someone you love?
Sure, loving someone else is a warm fluffy feeling, for the person experiencing it
. For others who didn't ask for it, who have passed up similar experiences for the sake of their primary love, it's an cruel, unfair feeling.
At least in some circumstances, the joy derived from falling for someone else comes at the cost of someone else's happiness and security. If I love someone, what on earth could possibly drive me to hurt them simply to make myself happier?
I'd love to hear anyone's input on this. I'm seeing more and more of my acquaintances in poly and open relationships spout lovey-dovey, peace and happiness crap when they're the ones carrying on an outside relationship, but when their partner shows interest in someone else, it's the end of the effing universe, they collapse into depression and alcoholism, and sometimes break things off entirely.