Originally Posted by Erin
Takes a brave man to set jealousy aside... kudos!
Wow, I probably don't deserve the title of brave. There have been things that I, us and US have had to work through, jealousy is definitely one of those. I initially was jealous/envious and dealing with lots of emotions, she had her own troubles trying to juggle things to be "equal" to both of us and trying not to hurt anyone, he was blown away that I aware of the relationship from day one and was not screaming at him.
This is a beautiful path with scenic overlooks and grand landscapes. But that path is a long hike, with steep hills, muddy crossings, mosquitoes and a hot sun. Trust me the destination is worth it and when you arrive you realize the experience of the journey made it that much better.
Sorry got distracted with a metaphor. Back to jealousy. This is what I have learned.
-She isn't mine. She has never been my possession, I don't own her. She has chosen to spend the last 12 years with me and she chooses to spend the rest of our lives together. The feeling of "it's my turn now", watching the clock, and sense of ownership is akin to a child refusing to share toys and either crying or lashing out at others when another child is playing with them.
-She is an individual, she is not half of me. We absolutely make a great team. But she is my equal not my alter ego. We have always had differences and will continue to do so. A long time ago we learned to accept that. R is not someone I would have picked for her or for us. She didn't choose to fall in love with him. The cliche of love is blind is so true. By the same token love opens your eyes. I have become friends with R and realize what an amazing man he is. I have also seen M with new eyes. After 12 years we take for granted our partners, we have firm assumptions about how they are, some of the little things that they do you find that they have always done because they thought you liked it, you settle into patterns of behaviour and communication. Now, thanks to being part of a relationship that includes her, I am seeing her through new eyes and again marveling at what a beautiful, amazing and loving person she is. Yes she is different with him, but you know what, she's different with me too.
-Open and honest... We have always been open and honest. Everything has been transparent since we met.... Sort of. Our emails and texts were always available to the other, passwords are known, nothing hidden. We shied away from discussing painful emotions, our learned defensive mechanisms helped there, I tend to hold them inside until they grow to the point where I can't deal with them and either explode or go into a depressive funk, she tends to ignore or run from them. This relationship has forced both of us to sit and talk. There have been tearful times, there has been anger, there has been pain. They have been needed, they have fortified the vow of "open and honest, even if it hurts the other's feelings" They have brought us closer together which is something I didn't think was possible.
-Open and honest PART 2. Redefining with trust and confidentiality. Oops complete transparency ain't gonna work. R is her partner not mine. You know this was actually the hardest thing for me, it took accepting that their love for each other, their relationship was as authentic and as genuine as mine and M's was. Forget the term equal, I know I have her till death, I know theirs is brilliant in it's newness and the excitement is intense. But both of the relationships are genuine. In my relationship with M I expect a level of confidentiality, I expect she won't share with others things that would embarass or humiliate me, I trust that she will delicately handle all of my fears, shortcomings, secrets and failures. Their relationship deserves the same trust and confidentiality as ours. I don't have the right to read all thier texts, she shouldn't have to tell me everything, what happens in their bed is their business. I would be furious at her if she shared all about me with someone else. How can I ask her to do to them what I wouldn't tolerate? Their love deserves the same things, the same privacy, the same trust, the same confidentiality, if I don't give that to them I can't ask for it in return.
I could go on.... and probably will. But I am really missing spell and grammar check.