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Old 05-08-2011, 07:48 AM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 89

Personally, I've always had trouble with jealousy being characterized as a "false" emotion. It's really just fear, right? Fear of losing someone important, fear of being alone, fear of being personally inadequate. It's human nature to respond to fear by fighting or by hiding, which is precisely what most people do when they're jealous.

And really, there are few emotions more primeval and instinctive than fear, right?

So, I often see monogamy characterized this way (no offense, GS, just this is a pretty decent representation of how poly people often see monogamy):

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
The monogamous model specifies (in most cases) that if you 'love' me then all of your emotional and physical resources will be solely dedicate to my needs/demands. At minimum I'll convey to you some ultimate authority as to what and when exceptions to this will be allowed. In short, I relinquish my personal power over my own life to someone else.
When Vino and I were monogamous, it wasn't like that at all. It was a quid pro quo. We love each other dearly, and we were both terrified of being alone, being abandoned, being unloved. We were both astoundingly huge nerds when we were younger and didn't get much attention from anyone, and we were raised with the very traditional belief that, if you didn't get married and settle down, you'd die alone, and your corpse would be picked apart by your fifteen housecats.

Emotional and sexual monogamy was what we offered each other in exchange for knowing we'd always have each other to love and rely on. We didn't hand over power to each other--we made a choice to control our own behavior, for our own benefit. Yes, we both passed up opportunities with people we were attracted to. In many cases, we actively removed ourselves from situations where our feelings or behaviors were becoming a risk to our relationship. And, we got over it. It took time and effort--but getting over anything takes time.

Love and desire can be controlled and suppressed, just like jealousy.

Both are instinctive responses. The human mind can identify, contextualize, and ultimately, respond rationally to either.

Vino gets jealous when I suggest being involved with men--intensely so. I've asked him to work through it, he's agreed, and we're taking our time with it (it helps that there aren't any men I'm really attracted to at the moment). But, at the same time, I control my feelings in any situation that would make him jealous--I deliberately remove myself from situations where I feel more than a passing attraction to a man develop, and I never, ever act on feelings toward men, at least for the time being. Quid pro quo, because I love him and don't want to hurt him or lose him.

I think controlling my feelings for now is only fair to him. After all, he's the one getting the short end of the stick here--what benefit does he get out of me banging other men?

Last edited by Ivy; 05-08-2011 at 07:51 AM.
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