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Old 10-01-2009, 04:19 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hello, Moonandstars (and your husband, too, if you're lurking ), and welcome to the forum. I'd found many wise, helpful and compassionate people here, and I know you will too.

First, I want to say that I think you are being AMAZINGLY openminded and accommodating with your husband's desire to transition from monogamy to polyamory, and I salute your willingness to venture into these unknown waters.

As someone recently pointed out to me, opening a marriage is a BIG DEAL, and the partner asking for the change must be willing to move at the other partner's pace.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
Well, shorty after we had made up our minds to accept out marriage love, he revealed to me that his new love is his ex-girlfriend, who had always been a friend of the family. He had fallen back in love with her already before we had discussed the whole concept of polyamory.
So your husband was cheating on your marriage, at least emotionally, and wanted to renegotiate his agreement with you after the fact, so that he "can have his Kate and Edith, too." I see this as a serious red flag, that your husband may not be committed to the level of loyalty, honesty and personal integrity that successful polyamory requires. If that had happened to me in my marriage, I would have SERIOUS trust issues around the disloyalty that reveals. But perhaps you don't; so, moving on.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
The problem I experience with my husband is that i really feel rushed into this. Whenever I have a problem with this new situation, I have the impression that it is my fault if the polyamory lifestyle does not work.
Again I go back to the point that he is asking you to make a HUGE change in your life, which will impact on you, your marriage, your children's lives, and well, potentially every other area of your life. It is natural and right that you should want to move slowly and carefully. You have every right to slow the train down. He may be wanting to speed up the process because he's already got a new lover waiting. That's a problem he created for himself by moving forward on a new relationship before the relationship between the two of you was ready for it. Do not let anyone push you into anything you are not ready for.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
. . . but it really hurts when he tells me, that this does not work because I am not ready for it, and that I don't try hard enough and if he gets bitter and unhappy in a couple of years it will all be my fault (he doesn't say this literally like this, but the message is, your opposition makes me unhappy and i can't guarantee a happy marriage like this) .
If the situation is truly as you describe, I hope he will re-think this position, because it puts much too much of the responsibility for the successful or failure of the new paradigm on you, which is not fair or reasonable, and reduces the possibility for success immensely.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
I have pushed him back onto the polyamourous road trying to make him understand that this radical change needs time for me, but that even though i have difficult times I do accept it.
I'm going to reiterate my first point, that you are being AMAZINGLY openminded and accommodating and I salute you.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
What really makes it difficult for me is the fact that polyamory is about equality and responsibility in my eyes. . . . Now, I have learnt that even in 2009 it is still a woman's work to be responsible for all the little things that come along in a four person family (laundry, shopping, paper work, kids schedules). And then all of a sudden he opens up this enormous perspective of equality and freedom, I said yes, knowing that I have to do my part of dealing with jealousy, and he had to do his part - giving me time to breathe by being more concerned about family stuff . . . After some talking he finally understood that my problem is only partly about jealousy, but mainly about what I get out of our relationship/marriage even without polyamory.
It sounds like the two of you are making progress toward a partnership of equals, or at least putting it on the table. Terrific!

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
So for me it is possible, but i have the impression he is having as many problems with this new life as I do (or even more), but assumed that it would all go by itself.
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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
For him there is only black or white: If i accept it, it means that i can't have problems with it.
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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
He doesn't want to deal with my worries and fears (well, he does, but . . .
I hope he, and you, and his gf, see the error of those assumptions. It's a huge change in your lives; of course there will be problems to work out. And poly generally takes much more personal investment in terms of communication, sharing and ongoing relational activity than monogamy. But it's worth it.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
. . .it always ends up in "Now, tell me if I can see her YES or NO! I will respect your wish).
Until you are comfortable and truly ready to proceed, and no longer feel pushed or rushed into making these changes in your life, when you are pressed for a yes or no answer, the answer should be NO.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
So this is part of the story. Another part is that I need some explanation about the openness and communication. I have understood that polyamorous people love communicating and are open to other people, no matter if they are (potential) lovers or not. . . . well, there is progress, but there is so much contradiction, that i sometimes wonder what it really is about.
I am very much about observing people's actions along with thier words. When someone says one thing but does another, you can trust what they DO over what they say. People can say anything, but actions reveal the heart.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
So all in all, the whole polyamory has brought light into our relationship and lifestyle, but so far i can't help myself but see it as some sort of therapy to wake us/him up and learn what equality, responsibility and communication really is about. If it helps that is great.
It certainly sounds like you've identified a number of issues to be worked on. Good for you! Keep those lines of communication open and flowing, and you can find your way forward.

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Originally Posted by moonandstars View Post
So on this forum i am not actually looking for advice but just to see if we as beginners are taking normal (quite unstable) steps and if there are perspectives that could open up a new helpful vision or similar experiences.
There is no "normal" polyamorous relationship; each one is special and unique all unto itself. But if you'll do a search of the forums, I think you'll find some similar stories, and similar challenges.

Best of luck to you, Moonandstars, as you make this transition. Trust your instincts. Listen to your heart. Talk and talk and talk some more to your husband and to his new gf, when that's appropriate.

I wish for all of you peace, joy and much love.

Last edited by Fidelia; 10-01-2009 at 04:21 PM.
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