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Old 05-07-2011, 06:08 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Wow, good question! Why shouldn't someone shut off love if another is expected to shut off jealousy?

Well, I guess first of all both are useful and complex emotions. I don't know if asking someone to shut off jealousy is a good idea. What is behind jealousy is useful and can be learned from.

I think I would encourage the person to look at their jealosuy before pushing it aside. Is there needs not being met, is their fear, is it a matter of differing values? If the answer is the latter then I would think that there is not much reason to stay together. Common values and beliefs to me are one of the most important things in a relationship. One of the biggest ones I have is that people i love should be free to explore what they believe will fulfill them in their lives. If someone put a cap on that for me and I don't for them then I think I would have a hard time staying with them in the end.

I think mono/poly relationships are a matter of meeting at the boarder of our boundaries and checking to see how big the gap is. In poly/poly relationships the boundary is generally close and quite often a line that the couple has; in mono/poly it generally is a ditch or even a chasm. If the two are okay talking/yelling across that now and then, or even what feels like always, then jealousy can be worked through and so can love.

Working through jealousy and having firm boundaries on love can work without one person doing all the work. The work can be even. Its a matter of finding a balance of that work. If the two are not willing to do that work and the balance is always off, then I see little to no reason to stay together. If someone were to ask me why I can't shut off loving when they have made little to no attempt to work on their jealsousy, I think I would seriously consider us done.
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