I think at some point, when you've felt you have done all you could to get the message across, you have to realize that it's up to the recipient of your communication to let it in and process it. If you are honest and loving in expressing what you want, it is not your fault that Beodude uses the information against himself or against you. He has a responsibility as the receiver. Really listening to someone requires putting feelings, assumptions, and prejudices aside in order to truly hear what they're saying, and to find some empathy or way to relate to the communication, as if you were in their shoes.
I think there will be a moment at which you might have to assess whether the scales have tipped too far in one direction, as far as compromising and making him comfortable -- and then make a choice. Do you suck it up and live monogamously, or renegotiate terms so that you can dip your toes into polyamory and let him deal with it as best he can? I don't mean to say that you just go ahead and do what you want, saying, "Deal with it, I want what I want," like some people do. It would be different if you say you want to try it and now negotiations will surround you doing so, with the caveat that you can go back to mono if it doesn't work out. But you can't know if it will work without giving poly a chance. You only tried it with J for a few weeks, I believe, and things like this take time. I wonder, also, it might be easier for him to handle the idea of allowing you your freedom if there isn't someone specific on the horizon, I don't know.
Are you guys still in counseling? Is he still going easy on the drinking? At some point, he's gonna have to put his big boy pants on and stop feeling sorry for himself.
Last edited by nycindie; 05-06-2011 at 02:05 AM.