I'm feeling angry and hurt right now. I know hubs has been dealing with those feelings as well, but for different reasons. I'm feeling like I'm being attacked for being who I am.
I feel like I've done everything in my power to make this easier for hubby and it's not enough. He still feels like I will never be happy with what I have, I always want more, more, more. That he's inadequate, and I'm a selfish slut. He regrets what happened 4 months ago that led to me finding who I am. That his life is filled with negativity and he doesn't know what he wants, what I want from him, or what he wants from himself.
Not only did I give up J, but I gave up poly in general while he works on his feelings, I gave up having friends over during the week nights, I gave up working so he could spend more time with him during the week. Everything I do, and everyone I talk to is no associated with poly and causes negativity. I've tried talking, not talking, I've tried showing him in every way possible that I have an incredible amount of love for him. I can't imagine my life without him in it.
For the first couple of months our communication was amazing, I felt like the luckiest person in the world that I could have a hubby that I could talk to about anything without being judged, and not judge him for what he said to me, and that accepted me for who I was... that was the most amazing thing to me. Then it slowly came to a crashing halt. I'm afraid to open my mouth because it might make him mad, or start him on a downward spiral to negativity and depression.
I don't feel any less about him as a husband and a father. He's amazing. I couldn't ask for a better one. But now I feel like I can't be enough for him. That he wants me to be this perfect person for him that I can't be. I accept him for the mono person he is. I wouldn't force him to be poly, though I'm certainly not against it, and I wonder if it would help me as well. This whole time he's felt like the inadequate one, but I think it's me that's inadequate. How can I possibly be his everything and still be me?
All I know is that I can't imagine my life without hubby, and I can't imagine my life without poly.. so now what? I always said I would give up poly before my husband, and I stand by that. I just don't get, why he doesn't get it. Why he doesn't see how much I love him? That I can love him, and love somebody else, and it takes nothing away from him, except for time. And how much time am I here, waiting?