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Old 05-05-2011, 01:12 PM
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground
Posts: 718

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
He also admitted that he doesn't have the energy to solve our relationship problems and that I should be the one taking initiative and helping me and him out
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
Maybe i should thae giant steps away. But, no matter how funny it will sound, it is not easy. Despite all his behaviour i like him and I feel the need to help him solve his problems and to teach him how to be in a healthy relationship. [...] He never tried himself to do anything to make sure I am telling the truth, he says that I should do everything to assure him of me telling the truth wbout my feelings:/

I stick to him for reasons which are important for me but when I think of them now they can sound silly. I mean he was the only person that earlier said he is accepting me and he helped me (I had problems with my family and with shyness). And I really really like him and I want to help him. I mean he is almost 30 and is not able to live in a healthy relationhip. I truly want to show him that relationships aren't nesessary bad and can work out.
I imagine (I may be wrong) 3 reasons why you don't drop him:
1) He helped you in the past... so you owe him a favour.
2) You feel that you can help him... and he DOES need help.
3) He suffered so much when the last girlfriend left. If you, too, leave him, he will suffer again. You will feel guilty for making him suffer... and will feel that his (and your?) friends are criticising you for "doing him wrong".

My answers to those reasons are:
1) Whatever favours that he has done you in the past do NOT give him the right to treat you like shit now; do NOT give him the right to maintaining a life-long strangle-hold on your emotions and your love-life.

2) You are NOT going to help him if he isn't willing to help himself. You would only be encouraging him not to take responsibility for his own life. This is no favour to him, believe me.

3) Dear Altea! Please stop living your life according to what other people will be thinking of you! It's your life, not theirs.
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
I stick to him for reasons which are important for me but when I think of them now they can sound silly. I mean he was the only person that earlier said he is accepting me and he helped me (I had problems with my family and with shyness).
It sounds to me like you either feel or used to feel that you are unloveable, and therefore are very grateful to him for being the first person to pay you attention. I know how this feels. I went through my childhood and adolescence feeling like this.

There was one VERY nice (also - in my opinion - the most beautiful) girl in my class at school who seemed to be gently flirting with me, but I couldn't believe that she really cared for me, the unloveable one. I was too shy to act on it. Still, the suspicion that somebody might care for me was the first step I needed towards caring for myself. Later, I invented a self-therapy that helped me a lot. I think that it might help you. You can find a version here, but you will need to adapt certain details to your own life situation. (If you read further in that thread, you will see that Ivy did feel silly... but she also found that it works. I hope that she keeps up with it, because it REALLY worked for me.)

Please, please, pay especial attention to point g)!!!

Altea, you are a lovely person, whatever your boyfriend thinks. And you deserve REAL love, not just someone who pays you a little bit of attention (and some sex [which he also is benefitting from, so it's not exactly a generous gift to you]) and who reminds you constantly how much you're ruining his life.
Originally Posted by Altea View Post
It's like he's not interested in exploring potentially healthy relationships, where there's a chance that everybody will be happy [using the excuse that "it will not work or that I will definitely get jealous over them too or start to not like them as soon as he starts meeting them"] but is perfectly happy to enter relationships where he knows right from the beginning that you will be miserable.
He is a pessimist. And there are moments when he just doesn't belive in me. He says that it is easier to be single and that the bare thouhgt that he must consider me in his decisions (even if we agree on many terms) makes him feel bad ant trapped:/
You didn't deal with the point that I was making here: that he seems to prefer relationships that will hurt you and tells you that he's avoiding relationships that might hurt you. [For your sake???!!! I don't think so!]

Originally Posted by Altea View Post
When I write all this I start to feel miserable. I mean I had always the feeling that he is worth taking the effort and helping him. And I also always thought he was saying the truth when he said he wants to help me with my problems. But now I'm not sure of anything anymore...

I remember wathich a film called 'bitter moon' I don't know if anyone here has seen it.

M- What have I done wrong?
O- You didn't do anything wrong. You exist. That's all
When you LOOK at it and are honest with yourself, you feel miserable. Take yourself seriously!

I don't wish your boyfriend any bad things, honestly. I would be really happy to read that you are both working on your relationship, are making progress, and both beginning to feel much happier - about yourselves and about each other.

But if you've talked to him about this, and he openly says that he hasn't got the energy or time to work on all this, you need to be brutally honest with yourself and realise that you really don't mean all that much to him.

Do you mean that much to yourself? I hope so!

I LOVE Polanski! One of the greatest living film directors. I saw "Bitter Moon" once (years ago) and the UGLINESS of the relationships was so heavy that I don't know if I'll ever see it again. That 2-line dialogue that you quote runs shivers down my spine!
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Last edited by MrFarFromRight; 05-05-2011 at 07:53 PM.
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