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Old 05-05-2011, 09:56 AM
Altea Altea is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Poland
Posts: 7

Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
Hi Altea!
This sounds very much like he isn't willing to put any of his time or energy into caring for / working on / healing your relationship, but lets you do all that work, and then likes you to keep him up-to-date. Is he a pasha, a sultan, a basza? Does he want you to fan him with ostrich feathers, too?
I talked with him yesterday. And suggested he should write here his version of all the events and write about his feelings and problems. He said that it would not help him in any way, that he doesn't want to write here because he doesn't know, what he should write about.
He has generally an attitude like :"I have my needs and you should respect them because it's you who has a problem"
He also admitted that he doesn't have the energy to solve our relationship problems and that I should be the one taking initiative and helping me and him out, because he doesn't have the energy to. He said he is fed up with helping me all the time and that he doesn't want to help me anymore, that this is 'my turn' to help him :/
If you both want to save the relationship (and make it healthy), you might have to learn to get used to small steps.
I know it. But I guess he doesn't want to see, that. He wants it all now.
If your version of things is an accurate portrayal of his lack of:
a) interest in working on the relationship;
b) concern for your feelings;
c) common decency in how he treats you;
d) respect for you or for the other women he fucks...
... then I stand by my earlier advice: you should be making GIANT steps (away from him).
Maybe i should thae giant steps away. But, no matter how funny it will sound, it is not easy. Despite all his behaviour i like him and I feel the need to help him solve his problems and to teach him how to be in a healthy relationship.

.Maybe you should consider thinking that he's messing with your mind and with your feelings?

You admit that you are "also not without fault". Does he admit that about himself?
He "sees that I am changing 'for the better' now". Do you see that he is changing... or at least is trying to?

If you "guess he is manipulating me", what are you doing to make sure that he doesn't do so? Or (harsher question): why are you still with him?
God only knows how many times such thought came to my mind. After each bigger discussion he admits that he is also not without fault. But he always says that the way he bahaves is his nature. He himself admits that lots of his problems are due to his foremre realtionship with his ex-gf.

I don't know if he is chnaging. He said yesterday that he sees only two ways the futeure will look like 1) he will eventually cheat on me not telling me anything so I don;t get mad 2)he will break up with me. He does not see tha version of being truly poly/swinging because as he says it is hard for him to belive I trulu open to nonmongamiuos relationships. He never tried himself to do anything to make sure I am telling the truth, he says that I should do everything to assure him of me telling the truth wbout my feelings:/

I don;t know if he is manipulating or not. I stick to him for reasons which are important for me but when I think of them now they can sound silly. I mean he was the only person that earlier said he is accepting me and he helped me (I had problems with my family and with shyness). And I really really like him and I want to help him. I mean he is almost 30 and is not able to live in a healthy relationhip. I truly want to show him that relationships aren't nesessary bad and can work out.
It's like he's not interested in exploring potentially healthy relationships, where there's a chance that everybody will be happy [using the excuse that "it will not work or that I will definitely get jealous over them too or start to not like them as soon as he starts meeting them"] but is perfectly happy to enter relationships where he knows right from the beginning that you will be miserable.
He is a pessimist. And there are moments when he just doesn't belive in me. He says that it is easier to be single and that the bare thouhgt that he must consider me in his decisions (even if we agree on many terms) makes him feel bad ant trapped:/
Here I'm going to be extra careful to repeat that to form a balanced opinion, we would need to read his version of this event. Because if your version is correct, this is a HORROR story... and you know that it is! His pleasure is more important than your safety??? His few minutes of excitement is worth more than your possible years of dealing with AIDS (or an unwanted pregnancy)???
As I wrote- he said he doen't want to write here, so I guess this will be the only point of view you'll get. If he wrote though I guess he would say that I seened to have a problem when I came to him/or that I seemed to be jealous and so on. But two things are facts 1)he used the last without even considering me 2)and he used the word "I was so excited that I get to sleep with another woman that I could think only of this"

When I write all this I start to feel miserable. I mean I had always the feeling that he is worth taking the effort and helping him. And I also always thought he was saying the truth when he said he wants to help me with my problems. But now I'm not sure of anything anymore...

I remember wathich a fil called 'bitter moon' I don't know if anyone here has seen it. But there were some dialogs between Oscar and Mimi (in the moment when their relationship was falling apart) that were exactly the same as are some dialogs of me and my bf. I mean those like:
M- What have I done wrong
O- You didn't do anything wrong. You exist. That's all

or the part when Oscar said he didn't dumped Mimi for a particualr woman, bit swaped her for all the women kind. It's sometjhing my bf doest too. He doesn't have anyone particular in mind, he just wants all the other woman he is/was surrounded by :/
I feel like I really need to talk to someone in a open-hearted way. If you want pm me.

Last edited by Altea; 05-05-2011 at 10:09 AM. Reason: wanted to add something
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