Thread: Reinventing Ivy
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Old 05-05-2011, 01:23 AM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Arizona
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo Ivy! I find your story filled with suspense...
Hi there! Thanks for reading and taking the time to give some input. It is indeed suspenseful, even for me, apparently--I passed Ella in some slow-moving city traffic today. I think she saw me, because she cut someone off to make a quick turn off the main street. We live in the same area of town, so it was really a non-event, but my heart kinda skipped a beat anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
To me, the way you describe Ella seems like a classic case of a woman who has been sexually abused. She feels like she has absolutely no control over her own sexuality, and feels that it is her fault if she is abused/pressed into doing things she doesn't want to. Because she so clearly is unable to stand up for herself, she involuntarily sends out all the wrong signals to all the wrong men.
She definitely had problems when she was younger, but I doubt she would have told me (or anyone) if something like that had happened. She definitely does act, at times, like it's out of her control--especially when faced with a assertive or aggressive men. At the same time, she's very defensive of her behavior--she feels that her sexual choices are her own and not open for public critique.

It made it very difficult to comment, express concern, or even discuss my own insecurities without it being interpreted as personal criticism. This became a big stress point in our relationship. We pretty much stopped talking about (and later, having) sex because of it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Her weirdness over Ben having any other relationships might be just that Ben is the only man in a long line who has respected her as a human being, and she is afraid of losing that...she might simply have experienced a double-whammy of insecurity....
Absolutely, and I don't think I fully understood this until the relationship had ended. She responds to hurt with intense anger; I respond to hurt with weepiness, and I reserve anger for when I'm truly, overwhelmingly, directly pissed.

More on this in the next part, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Another point that struck me was that your interactions with Ben and Ella all seem to revolve around heavy drinking.
Yup, and this actually became a bit of an issue for Vino (not that he would begrudge anyone a drink or two--there's a reason I'm calling him that). Unintended upshot of the breakup is that I've cut back way back, and Vino's happy.

Part of the drinking was the social atmosphere of law school, where we all met--you get so few breaks that, when you do find a few hours, you have to pack in a couple weeks' worth of fun, so everyone drinks WAY too much (lawyers have astoundingly high rates of alcoholism). Part of it is that Ella is very, very shy, especially around women, and doesn't really open up at all until she's had a couple drinks. It was several months before I convinced her that sober sex is actually better sex.

I'll be adding the next part in a bit. Getting this all out has been really cathartic, and the advice and comments are tremendously helpful (keep 'em coming), but I'm eager to move on--both in this blog and in real life.
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