One of the high points in poly for me is when my husband (Sundance) sees the good in my bf (Butch Cassidy). I feel so validated when he agrees that Butch is a great guy and understands why I love him. I simply can't tell you how wonderful that feels -- and it makes my heart melt even more for my husband!
Now, I know he sees his faults, but he is willing to overlook them or at least make light of them, out of respect for me as well as for Butch. I admire him so much for making that effort.
It is the circumstances of my relationship with Butch that are also so attractive. Ah, yes -- the lack of promises, expectations and demands, that is exhilarating! I missed out on that in my life, as I had kids young, married young, and re-married shortly after my divorce, as well. My relationship with Butch fills in the blanks, fun stuff I missed out on. Sundance can't be that to me at all times -- we are MARRIED, it's solid, it has definitions and expectations all wrapped around it. But damn, there's a lot to be said for making a commitment to someone and keeping it, too. I love and admire and respect my husband beyond imagining for what he is willing to do to make me happy in this one wild life I have been given.
The perspective is always shifting. I'm sure your wife will come to realize how great you've been through all this, and love you all the more. Right now she is on an NRE roller coaster -- but YOU don't have to be! (Read some of VodkaFan's posts, for one example. I don't know how he does it, but he really manages to stay grounded through everything poly. Although I do think one big reason is that his wife has handled things swimmingly and with great class. Some of us blunder through, ha!)
If you have to live out the lease, I say live it out in LOVE. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and when the lease is up he can go. Or, who knows, maybe you will all three have grown closer by then, if you try to keep an open mind and heart.
BTW, YES, I am a poly idealist!
So forgive me if this all sound so "pollyanna." I KNOW it's not easy, I know sometimes it sucks. Sundance has struggled terribly and at times we have been at the brink of separation. But somehow it has always turned out right. I accredit it to Sundance and his very big heart -- it always wins out, over the jealousy and the anger. I believe in him, and I believe we are going to make it.