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Old 05-04-2011, 05:31 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Not going to even bother messing with the quotes, but what NYCindie said. Especially about allowing yourself to develop close friendships.

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
I said that I had been feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells after having shocked her so badly, and that I felt like she was fragile, so I didn't want to push; I wanted to take it easy. She responded that she did not want me to think of her as fragile. If something's on my mind, I should tell her. The counselor affirmed that thoughts such as these can be self-fulfilling: by treating her as fragile, I could inadvertently make her fragile.
I'd bet that your wife feels insulted by this. Part of the problem is that you are assuming that any future resonses to small stuff will be equal to the reaction you got when you slammed her with the big stuff seemingly out of the blue. My husband does this also, I have one meltdown and he assumes that will always be my response to anything else even partially related. The truth is I react much stronger when I think he has been keeping secrets or hiding things from me.

The counselor raised (for the second time--the first time was a session with me alone) the notion that perhaps the feelings I've had for others have grown as a result of the growing separation between my wife and I. I'm not entirely sure that is so, but I cannot discount it out of hand. Later in the evening, I told my wife that while we were working on our relationship, I would not seek anyone else (and truthfully, I never have), and we would see if the hypothesis that my feelings are a symptom and not a characteristic is correct. She appreciated that, and said that if they turned out to be real, at least we tried. I told her that even if that was so, we needn't throw in the towel, but I think she is still stuck on "one man, one woman, that is marriage." I also think that is a mechanism she's using to avoid having to confront jealousy, fear, and insecurity.
This will be a long process that could take years. You have rocked her whole definition of marriage and that won't change overnight or even a few months. You might want to create a time limits for yourself so the whole thing doesn't seem so open ended or never ending. Like for 3 months or so, you will just work on the relationship with your wife with absolutely no mention of others by you. If she brings the subject up, answer honestly, but keep it short. If she pushes for more, say you don't think your relationship is strong enough to have this discussion yet. At the end of 3 months, spart a new step, such as theoretical and hypothetical discussions or such (ie. What is jealousy?). Each time you reach your time limit, evaluate the situation and decide if you can start introducing more. As your relationship improves, being able to discuss sensative issues will become easier.
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