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Old 05-04-2011, 01:33 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
So nice you decided to have a blog! It's giving me a lot of food for thought already.
Thank you! I've definitely already picked up a good bit of mental stimuli getting me thinking in different ways as well as getting some good normalization of some of my more irritating feelings.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
1) The military thing. Do you feel that him being away from home for long periods of time (?) created distance between the two of you, or did it just take the attention away from the distance that was already there to begin with? Do you think you would have been able to re-connect if he had been involved with someone else at the time? Was he?
Interesting question! I don't think it created distance between us. I think it did two things: 1) it allowed us the distraction of being apart to NOT deal with things we should have a long time ago, and 2) it took that place where we needed work and pulled it open, expanded it, and made it a bigger elephant in the room when we were finally back together.

The three deployments in a row was the topper. Just NOT enough time between to reconnect, work on issues, etc. We had planned on going to couples therapy this year-- can't do that until he gets back now. Though we did have a pretty good breakdown/breakthrough on our own which has helped us a lot. We still need to go to therapy-- more importantly my husband whom I love dearly needs to go talk about his own shit independent of me. He's got a lot of his own past stuff, issues with how his ADHD brain functions, stuff like that. I think it would help him, but of course that is up to him. (As of now he's planning on it, but we'll see!!)

We've been in different stages where reconnecting would have been made even more impossible had he been connected to somebody else because we weren't talking/communicating well, and it would have been a distraction for him to again, not think/talk about what's going on with us. But it was his connection with someone else this time (although more peripherally), that instigated us finally talking about this, so in a way that issue forced us to deal with stuff we hadn't and REALLY talk, so I'm grateful for that.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
2) There are a lot of assumptions going on in the therapy business on how non-monogamy is ultimately destructive for a relationship, sometimes together with covert homophobia. The most recent example I can think of was a story of a happily monogamous woman who unexpectedly fell in love with an older woman, and after six years (!) called things off (the hubs was aware of the situation the whole time). Instead of focusing on the intense re-evaluation this woman was going through for the whole of six years (impressive length for a first non-monogamous AND same-sex relationship, methinks), the writer of the book explained how this 'need' to have a relationship with an older woman was a result of insecure attachment to her mother in her early childhood. Of course, because she just couldn't be a bisexual or lesbian, much less honestly being happy with her husband while still wanting another relationship with someone else - there had to be something pathological behind such non-monogamous choices .
I totally see this. It's why I picked my therapist because she's poly/kink friendly. Many therapists will look at this situation and think "well of course, you need to remove this outside stuff because THAT'S the issue". I needed someone who was not only anti-nonmonogamy, and not only accepting of nonmonogamy-- but somebody who knew something about it in practice and could actually offer advice, perspective on how to make that work BETTER.

That book above reminds me of something I've heard from a lot of sources lately. Basically, most people hear something (a story, situation, etc.) and they filter that through their own perspective and experiences and biases and come up with a version that may or may not have any connection with the original story. We are all biased-- the key is to know that you are, have a good idea how you are biased, and check yourself constantly to make sure your bias isn't getting in the way.

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
3) I have a diagnosis for GAD, which I no longer fully identify with, but it certainly helped me to understand how my sympathetic nervous system was just wired to go off from stimulation that others wouldn't probably pay any mind to (I am easily distracted and have trouble prioritizing stimuli). I hope you get some answers from your visit to the therapist!

Interesting! I was just reading about the sympathetic nervous system. I definitely have a mind/body connection that is sometimes not in my best interests. I am really hoping to get some perspective on this. At least knowing my brain works a certain way and learning some better tools to deal with it than are currently in my toolbox would be nice. I've always tried to "mind over matter" it, and talk to myself out of thought patters I know are incorrect and destructive. It's just not always as successful and it's TIRING. LOL
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