Thread: Struggling
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Old 05-04-2011, 01:11 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Hi there! Although I don't agree with everything you have to say, I do admire your courage to speak up about what's bugging you. I hope you are as openly communicative with your wife and Steve - that alone could help loads.

I agree with mostly everything Derby had to say, but just want to highlight a few more points.

Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
So a few months ago she asked to sleep with a mutual friend. After a lot of talking about it I told her it was okay.
What exactly did you talk about? I read the list below and it didn't read as very realistic, sorry to say. Unless your wife and you, after long-term experience, could both honestly say that regular sex with someone you really like has NEVER brought up any romantic feelings whatsoever, I think you basically dug your own grave while getting into this and not at least mentally preparing for the possibility of long-term relationship. Your wife obviously didn't, either, but now it's happened, and you can't really turn back the clock with this one.

Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
She and I were sleeping together daily, sometimes more often than that.
Your more active than average sex life with your wife, even with a child and many years together, was obviously a great source of pride and comfort for you. Were you afraid that if that changed, your marriage would somehow become less special, more ordinary in a way?

I went through a period of equating frequency of sex with the amount of caring in relationship. And in a way it is a good measure, if the ONLY caring that ever occurs does so in between the sheets.

Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
Well, over that month our relationship takes a dive. She proceeds to tell me that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. I've gotten boring. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm not passionate about anything.
The 'love but not in-love' part? NRE speaking. The rest is just her projecting her own feelings and anxieties on to you. I hate to always go for the 'blame the baby' -defense, but it reads as she might have some 'is a mother everything I am ever going to be anymore?' -anxiety. What she was effectively telling you was that she was feeling boring, she was angry, and she was depressed, mostly with herself. And NRE can be a lovely temporary alleviation for that, but it does little to solve the underlying issues behind the problem.

Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
Mind you, I was in the military (happily) previously and she gave me the ultimatum, "her or the military" I gave up the military and a few other jobs I found interesting for her.
Which events lead up to the ultimatum? I perfectly understand why someone who is looking into having kids would not be thrilled with their spouse's military career. I agree with previous posters - look into quality day care providers in your area. Now that she has another relationship, she might be more equipped to deal with you having a time- and energy-consuming job as well.

Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
She's mentioned the V relationship and that's unacceptable to me. A checkmark shape, sure, but not a V.
Hate to say this, but from her perspective, she effectively IS in a vee already. Chris-sakes, she has both of you living under the same roof! It doesn't get a lot more vee-ey than that.

Originally Posted by StillaStudent View Post
As to the sex part, she and Steve have really agressive, acrobatic, wild sex. She and I have sex that's slower, with more grinding. She says that I'm a better lay and the only one that can get her off, but she has never been someone to let me have more wild, acrobatic sex because I'm a little more endowed and it hurts her. She's much more corrective of me during sex than him. So this all together makes it really hard to believe that I'm a better lay.
I take it that 'really aggressive, acrobatic, wild sex' equals 'good sex' for you, and you feel like she is less satisfied with what the two of you have, despite the fact that you have sex daily? First, the fact that all women prefer rough penetrative sex with as big as possible is a big fat lie. Most of us weren't equipped to take in some foot-long monstrosity. What I think many men who have smaller than average penises don't realize is that there really is a large market for them. And a lot of women prefer fingers due to the more subtle and precise stimulation anyways.

I have a monstrously proportioned boyfriend. And it requires so little work for me to feel him. Often, if he moves about a little too excitedly, it doesn't exactly hurt but feels like too much nevertheless. So we have a lot of pretty tantric sex. What I'm saying that with him being the way he is, acrobatics or roughness are not NECESSARY for it to feel like it should (which might also explain the getting-off-only-with-you part; many women have hard time coming if they are putting in a lot of effort to feel something in the first place). And also, the fact that she feels secure enough to tell you how she likes it is a HUGE compliment - many women, myself included, have a very high threshold to cross with that, and rather face the prospect of having less-than-satisfying sex than risk embarrassment with speaking up during the deed.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
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