View Single Post
Old 05-04-2011, 10:54 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906

Hullo Altea and good to hear from you again!

I have expressed my concern before and I do it again - the two of you, instead of a solid foundation for poly, seem to be engaged in a power struggle. For your bf, 'freedom' seems to be equated with license to go fuck anybody he feels like fucking at the time, and still being able to rely on you as the solid bedrock of his life. This makes me very wary of what his actual motivations for poly are. Right now, it reads that he is coming from a place of scarcity, not of sharing. Whatever he hears you say in what comes to your needs and what you expect from your relationship he automatically hears as 'there goes Altea again, trying to chain me down and stop me from living my life as I like it best'. As long as that tape is what gets played inside his head instead of actually listening to what you say, I see really no way to work on your issues.

I'm a bit at loss at what it is that you mean by 'not wanting monogamy'. Right now it reads that you would want to engage in some form of swinging, whereas he wants a 'no-holds-barred' open relationship. The way you describe him wanting to have sex even with women he does not like to me speaks of some real issues with sex and intimacy. Real freedom, to me, is the ability to choose - being addicted to cheating and sex and power games might masquerade as sexual freedom but in reality is everything but.

Specifically choosing women you have issues with as his sex partners send a clear message of not wanting polyamory. He wants to build distance between the two of you. Would it be beneficial to you to start to treating your bf mentally as a 'secondary'? Give him some of that distance he so craves, and explore connections independently of him. You might discover distance works wonders on your relationship and on your self-image as well.
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote