Sorry for not writing for such a long time, but I had no access to the internet.
Thanks for so many replies.
Redpepper- No, he is not here. I also thought it would be good for him to do some reading. I mentioned to him, that I write here sometimes and do research, but he seems not to be willing to participate here on his own. Though he likes me to tell him what I have found out.
I know we need time. Time and talking. But time seems to be something that makes him freak out. He says that he has been waiting already for quite a long time and that he feels pressure.
Mono- I guess you're right. But on the other hand I sometimes also tend to have my moments of demanding too much at once. And I also freak out sometimes and make ultimatum-like statements. It's hard for us making small steps. Maybe because we are both impatient and bad-tempered.
SourGirl- Maybe it will sound funny but before I started to talk with him about what we want and expect I started a more theorethical discussion. We both said what we understand under what terms and settled our definitions of 'poly' 'open' and 'swing'. And also I made him acquaint of some poly dynamics (V, N, triad and so on) so that we could precisely say what we have in mind both as our ideals and our limits.
Redpepper agian-At first when we met we both said that monogamious relationships are not for us. Then that whole situation with his ex gf occured. She started to be mad at him because of me (though they both agreed they will have other relationships besides of their and she had another bf by then she didn't wanted him to have any other girl besides her). That made him lose faith in women. He was broken hearted after they broke up and somtimes accused me of him loosing her. I became frightened and insecure because of him insulting me and our quarreling. And all my openness disappeared. And I was starting to be jealous becouse I didn't feel all that affection and stability I nedded. So yes, in some sense I have changed my mind, though I knew it wasn't permanent. I just wanted to be monogamious for the time it would take for us to learn to trust each other and settle all the issues we had with ourselfs and our relationship.
MrFarFromRight- I guess he is manipulating me. But I am also not without fault. Some time ago I really demanded unreasonalbe things but that chnages constantly. He sees that I am changing 'for the better' now but he thinks it's too slow.
He uses some threads. It's also something that scares me. I mean how can I see him sleeping with other women in a positive way if he himself mentions it always a) as a thread b) as something that is mandratory for him and what he values more than our relationship. I mean how can I see it positively when he says it will be either him sleeping with others or our break up? I mean how can I feel comfortable and secure in such a relationship? I said to him that, but he sais that I should know he would not leave me for another girl. but in the same time he says he would live me just to have sex with other girls? And he sais that he wants even sex with girls he wants no relatinship wit and even girls he does not like much but just feels the desire to sleep with? I mean what should I think about it, when he puts it that way?
I don't know what's the case with those girls, who dislike me. But now that you have mentioned it... He desires all the 3 girsl I don't get along with and when I mention some others we both like, as a potential date or sex partner, he seems to be hesistant or just starts saying that it will not work or that I will definitely get jealous over them too or start to not like them as soon as he starts meeting them.
I never thought of it before but now as you mentioned it it also starts to scary me. It really seems he is always looking for girls he knows I will have a problem with or he knows they with have a problem with me. He does not seem to pay attention to bisexuall girls in any way but only straight of whom he knows they won't ever be sexuall or intimate with me...
It's like I am also thinking of him and he is not thinking of me.
I remember a situation, which took place some time ago when we thought things are good between us(it is awkward to talk about but I guess it will give some clues. I don't know if it will be too intimate but it somethimg I have in mind till now)
We once ended with three of our friend together in bed. So there was I, my bf, S(a lesbian freind of ours), K(a straight male) and P(a straight female). I was having some 'fun' with S and K while my bf was with P. It was all spontanious so it came out K didn't have condoms and I remebered that I and bf had only one so I came to my bf wanting to ask him what to do and mayby make a quick walk to the drugstore to buy some, so we could all be protected. And then I saw he already was using our last one and he said he was so desparete that he had the chance to sleep with another woman besied me that he wasn't thinking about me being protected. And I felt very sad and mad at the time and it all went very bad from that moment. He was angry at me that I was angry that he din't thought of me while I was thinking of both of us.
From that moment I again started to feel insecure becouse he so easily forgot about me and my eventuall needs, and he started to freak out that I did not come to him to solve the 'condom problem' but to stop him from having sex with another woman.
Redpepper one more time. I know there are always two sides. And I know I have definitely made also many mistakes. I don't know if he will want to write something here. But maybe I will ask him if he will do so.